I threw up when I found Gideon’s ke

I threw up when I found Gideon’s key to my apartment lying on the breakfast bar. I barely made it to the sink.

When my stomach was empty, I was left with pain so agonizing it was crippling. I clung to the edge of the counter, gasping and sweating, crying so hard I wondered how I’d make it through another five minutes, let alone the rest of the day. The rest of my life.

The last time Gideon had returned my keys to me, we’d broken up for four days. It was impossible not to think that repeating the gesture signified a more permanent break. What had I done? Why hadn’t I stopped him? Talked to him? Made him stay?

My smartphone signaled an incoming text. I stumbled to my purse and dug it out, praying it was Gideon. He’d talked to Cary three times already, but he’d yet to contact me.

When I saw his name on the screen, a sweet, sharp ache pierced my chest.

I’m working from home today, his message read. Angus will be waiting out front to give you a ride to work.

My stomach cramped again with dread. It had been a tremendously difficult week for both of us. I could understand why he’d just given up. But that understanding was wrapped in a gut-gnawing fear so cold and insidious that goose bumps swept up my arms.

My fingers shook as I texted him back: Will I see you tonight?

There was a long pause, long enough that I was about to demand a yes or no answer when he sent: Don’t count on it. I have my appt with Dr. Petersen and a lot of work to do.

My grip tightened on my phone. It took me three attempts before I was able to type: I want to see you.

For the longest time, my phone sat silently. I was reaching for my landline in a near panic when he replied: I’ll see what I can do.

Oh God . . . Tears made it hard for me to see the letters. He was done. I knew it deep down in my heart. Don’t run. I’m not.

It seemed like forever before he replied: You should.

I debated calling in sick after that, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I had been down that road too many times. I knew I could so easily fall back into old self-destructive habits to dull pain. It would kill me to lose Gideon, but I’d be dead anyway if I lost myself.

I had to hang on. Get through. Get by. One step at a time.

And so I climbed into the back of the Bentley when I was supposed to, and while Angus’s grim face only made me worry more, I locked it down and slid into the autopilot mode of self-preservation that would get me through the hours ahead.

My day passed in a blur. I worked hard and focused on my job, using it to keep me from going crazy, but my heart wasn’t in it. I spent my lunch hour running an errand, unable to tolerate the thought of eating or making small talk. After my shift was over, I almost blew off going to my Krav Maga class, but I stuck it out and gave a similar amount of focus to the drills as I’d given to my work. I had to keep moving forward, even if I was heading in a direction I couldn’t bear to go.

“Better,” Parker said, during a break. “You’re still off, but you’re better than last night.”

I nodded and wiped the sweat from my face with a towel. I’d started Parker’s classes solely as a more intense alternative to my usual gym visits, but last night had shown me that personal safety was more than just a convenient side benefit.

The tribal tattoos that banded his biceps flexed as he lifted a water bottle to his lips. Because he was left-handed, his simple gold wedding band caught the light and my eye. I was reminded of the promise ring on my right hand and I looked down at it. I remembered when Gideon had given it to me and how he’d said that the diamond-crusted Xs wrapping around the roped gold were representative of him “holding on” to me. I wondered if he still thought that way; if he still thought it was worth it to try. God knew I did.

“Ready?” Parker asked, tossing his empty bottle in the recycle bin.

“Bring it.”

He grinned. “There she is.”

Parker still worked me over, but it wasn’t from lack of trying on my part. I was in it every step of the way, venting my frustration with good, healthy exercise. The few victories I managed to earn spurred my determination to fight for my rocky relationship, too. I was willing to put in the time and effort to be there for Gideon, to be a better and stronger person so we could get through our issues. And I was going to tell him that, whether he wanted to hear it or not.

When my hour was over, I cleaned up and waved good-bye to my classmates and then shoved at the push bar of the exit door and stepped out into the still-warm evening air. Clancy had already brought the car around to the door and was leaning against the fender in a pose that only a moron would think was casual. Despite the heat, he wore a jacket, which concealed his sidearm.

“Things moving along?” He straightened to open the door for me. As long as I’d known him, he’d kept his dark blond hair in a military crew cut. It added to the impression of his being a very somber man.

“Working on it.” Sliding into the backseat, I told Clancy to drop me off at Gideon’s. I had my own key and I was prepared to use it.

On the drive over, I wondered if Gideon had gone to see Dr. Petersen for his appointment or if he’d blown it off. He’d agreed to individual therapy only because of me. If I wasn’t part of the equation anymore, he might not see any reason to make the effort.

I entered the understated and elegant lobby of Gideon’s apartment building and checked in with the front desk. It wasn’t until I was alone in his private elevator that the nerves really hit me. He’d placed me on his approved list weeks before, a gesture that meant so much more to him and me than it would to others because Gideon’s home was his sanctuary, a place he allowed few visitors to see. I was the only lover he’d ever entertained there and the only person, aside from his household staff, who had a key. Yesterday I wouldn’t have doubted my welcome, but now . . .

I exited into a small foyer decorated with checkerboard marble tiles and an antique console bearing a massive arrangement of white calla lilies. Before I unlocked his front door, I took a deep breath, steeling myself for however I might find him. The one previous time he’d attacked me in his sleep, it had shattered him. I couldn’t help but fear what the second time had done to him. I was terrified that his parasomnia might be the wedge that drove us apart.

But the moment I entered his apartment, I knew he wasn’t home. The energy that thrummed through a space when he occupied it was markedly absent.

Lights that were activated by my movements came on when I entered the expansive living room, and I forced myself to settle in as if I belonged there. My room was down the hall and I went to it, pausing on the threshold to absorb the weirdness of seeing my bedroom replicated in Gideon’s place. The duplication was uncanny, from the color on the walls to the furniture and fabrics, but its existence was more than a little unnerving.

Gideon had created it as my safe room, a place for me to run to when I needed some space. I supposed I was running to it now, in a way, by using it instead of his.

Setting my workout bag and purse on the bed, I showered and changed into one of the Cross Industries T-shirts Gideon had set aside for me. I tried not to think about why he still wasn’t home. I’d just poured a glass of wine and turned on the living room television when my smartphone rang.

“Hello?” I answered, unfamiliar with the number on the nameless Caller ID.

“Eva? It’s Shawna.”

“Oh, hey, Shawna.” I tried not to sound disappointed.

“I hope it’s not too late to call.”

I looked at the screen of my phone, noting that it was almost nine o’clock. Jealousy mingled with my concern. Where was he? “No worries. I’m just watching TV.”

“Sorry I missed your call last night. I know it’s short notice, but I wanted to see if you’d be up for going to a Six-Ninths concert on Friday.”

“A what concert?”

“Six-Ninths. You haven’t heard of ’em? They were indie until late last year. I’ve been following them for a while and they gave their e-mail list first dibs, so I scored tickets. Thing is, everyone I know likes hip-hop and dance pop. Not to say you’re my last hope, but . . . well, you’re my last hope. Tell me you like alt rock.”

“I like alt rock.” My phone beeped. Incoming call. When I saw it was Cary, I let it go to voice mail. I didn’t think I’d be on the phone with Shawna too long and I could call him back.

“How did I know that?” She laughed. “I’ve got four tickets if you’ve got someone you’d like to bring along. Meet up at six? Grab something to eat first? The show starts at nine.”

Gideon walked in just as I answered, “You’ve got a date.”

He stood just inside the door with his jacket slung over one arm, the top button of his dress shirt undone, and a briefcase in his hand. His mask was in place, showing no emotion whatsoever at finding me sprawled on his couch in his T-shirt with a glass of his wine on his table and his television on. He raked me with a head-to-toe glance, but nothing flickered in those beautiful eyes. I suddenly felt awkward and unwanted.

“I’ll get back to you about the other ticket,” I told Shawna, sitting up slowly so I didn’t flash him. “Thanks for thinking of me.”

“I’m just glad you’re coming! We’re going to have a great time.”

We agreed to talk the next day and hung up. In the interim, Gideon set his briefcase down and tossed his jacket over the arm of one of the gilded chairs flanking the ends of the glass coffee table.

“How long have you been here?” he asked, yanking the knot of his tie loose.

I stood. My palms grew damp at the thought that he might kick me out. “Not long.”

“Have you eaten?”

I shook my head. I hadn’t been able to eat much all day. I’d gotten through the session with Parker courtesy of a protein drink I’d picked up during my lunch hour.

Hasil (Bahasa Indonesia) 1:

Aku melemparkan ketika saya menemukan Gideon kunci untuk apartemen saya berbaring di bar sarapan. Aku nyaris dibuat untuk wastafel.Ketika perutku kosong, aku ditinggalkan dengan rasa sakit sehingga menyiksa itu adalah melumpuhkan. Aku menempel tepi counter, terengah-engah dan berkeringat, menangis begitu keras aku bertanya-tanya bagaimana saya akan membuatnya melalui lima menit lagi, apalagi sisa hari. Sisa hidup saya.Terakhir kali Gideon telah kembali saya kunci kepada saya, kami telah rusak selama empat hari. Ianya mustahil untuk tidak berpikir bahwa mengulangi gerakan menandakan istirahat lebih permanen. Apa yang telah kuperbuat? Mengapa saya tidak menghentikannya? Berbicara kepadanya? Membuatnya menginap?Smartphone saya ditandai teks masuk. Aku tersandung ke dompet saya dan menggali keluar, berdoa itu Gideon. Ia telah berbicara kepada Cary tiga kali sudah, tapi dia masih belum untuk menghubungi saya.Ketika saya melihat namanya pada layar, manis, tajam sakit menusuk dada saya.Saya bekerja dari rumah hari ini, Baca pesan nya. Angus akan menunggu depan untuk memberikan tumpangan untuk bekerja.Perutku sempit lagi dengan ketakutan. Sudah seminggu yang sangat sulit untuk kami berdua. Aku bisa mengerti mengapa ia telah hanya menyerah. Tapi pemahaman terbungkus menggerogoti usus ketakutan begitu dingin dan berbahaya merinding menyapu lengan saya.Jari-jari saya menggelengkan sebagai saya texted dia kembali: akan melihat Anda malam ini?Ada jeda yang panjang, cukup lama bahwa aku hendak menuntut jawaban ya atau tidak ketika ia mengirimkan: Jangan berharap. Aku punya appt saya dengan Dr Petersen dan banyak pekerjaan yang harus dilakukan.Pegangan saya diperketat pada ponsel saya. Aku butuh tiga upaya sebelum aku dapat mengetik: saya ingin melihat Anda.Untuk waktu yang lama, telepon saya duduk diam. Saya telah meraih telepon rumah saya panik dekat ketika dia menjawab: Aku akan melihat apa yang bisa kulakukan.Oh Tuhan... Air mata membuatnya sulit bagi saya untuk melihat huruf. Ia selesai. Aku tahu itu jauh di dalam hati saya. Jangan lari. Aku tidak.Rasanya seperti selamanya sebelum dia menjawab: Anda harus.Aku berdebat menelepon sakit setelah itu, tapi aku tidak. Aku tidak bisa. Saya telah turun jalan itu terlalu banyak kali. Aku tahu aku bisa begitu mudah jatuh kembali ke kebiasaan lama yang merusak diri sendiri ngilu. Itu akan membunuh saya untuk menurunkan Gideon, tapi aku akan mati anyways jika aku kehilangan diriku sendiri.Aku harus bertahan. Mendapatkan melalui. Dapatkan. Satu langkah pada satu waktu.Dan jadi aku naik ke belakang Bentley ketika aku seharusnya, dan sementara Angus's muram wajah hanya membuat saya khawatir lagi, saya terkunci bawah dan meluncur ke dalam modus autopilot mempertahankan diri yang akan mendapatkan saya melalui waktu ke depan.Hari berlalu dalam kabur. Saya bekerja keras dan fokus pada pekerjaan saya, menggunakannya untuk menjaga saya dari gila, tapi hatiku tidak di dalamnya. Aku menghabiskan jam makan siang saya menjalankan tugas, tidak dapat mentoleransi memikirkan makan atau membuat kecil bicara. Setelah pergeseran sudah berakhir, saya hampir meniup pergi pergi ke kelas Krav Maga saya, tapi saya terjebak keluar dan memberikan jumlah yang sama fokus untuk latihan seperti aku akan diberikan untuk pekerjaan saya. Aku harus terus bergerak maju, bahkan jika aku sedang menuju ke arah yang saya tidak tahan untuk pergi."Lebih baik," Parker mengatakan, selama istirahat. "Kau masih pergi, tetapi Anda lebih baik daripada malam terakhir."Aku mengangguk dan mengusap keringat dari wajahku dengan handuk. Saya sudah mulai kelas-kelas Parker semata-mata sebagai alternatif yang lebih intens untuk kunjungan biasa gym saya, tapi tadi malam telah menunjukkan kepadaku bahwa keselamatan pribadi adalah lebih dari sekedar nyaman sisi manfaat.Suku tato banded nya bisep tertekuk sebagai diangkat botol air ke bibirnya. Karena ia kidal, band-pernikahan emas yang sederhana nya menangkap cahaya dan mata saya. Aku teringat janji cincin pada tangan kanan-Ku dan aku melihat ke itu. Aku ingat ketika Gideon telah diberikan kepada saya dan bagaimana ia telah menyatakan bahwa berlian-berkulit Xs membungkus sekitar emas bertali wakil dari dia "berpegangan pada" kepada saya. Aku bertanya-tanya jika dia masih berpikir seperti itu; Jika dia masih berpikir itu adalah layak untuk mencoba. Tuhan tahu aku."Siap?" Parker bertanya, melemparkan nya botol kosong di recycle bin."Membawa itu."Dia menyeringai. "Dia ada."Parker masih bekerja saya selama, tapi itu bukan karena kurang berusaha di bagian saya. Aku berada di dalamnya setiap langkah dari jalan, ventilasi frustrasi dengan latihan yang baik, sehat. Aku berhasil mendapatkan beberapa kemenangan memacu keputusan untuk berjuang untuk hubungan saya berbatu, terlalu. Aku bersedia untuk dimasukkan ke dalam waktu dan usaha untuk berada di sana untuk Gideon, untuk menjadi orang yang lebih baik dan kuat sehingga kami bisa mendapatkan melalui masalah kami. Dan aku akan menceritakan bahwa, apakah dia ingin mendengarnya atau tidak.Ketika jam saya atas, saya dibersihkan dan melambaikan selamat tinggal kepada teman sekelas saya dan kemudian mendorong di bar mendorong pintu keluar dan melangkah keluar ke udara malam masih hangat. Clancy sudah membawa mobil di sekitar pintu dan adalah bersandar fender dalam pose yang hanya seorang bodoh akan berpikir adalah kasual. Meskipun panas, ia mengenakan jaket, tersembunyi sidearm nya."Things bergerak sepanjang?" Ia meluruskan untuk membuka pintu bagi saya. Selama aku tahu dia, dia telah disimpan rambut pirang gelap dalam memotong kru militer. Itu ditambahkan ke kesan sebagai seorang pria sangat muram."Bekerja di dalamnya." Meluncur ke kursi belakang, kataku Clancy untuk menurunkan aku di Gideon. Aku punya kunci sendiri dan aku sudah siap untuk menggunakannya.Pada drive atas, aku bertanya-tanya jika Gideon telah pergi untuk melihat Dr Petersen penunjukannya atau jika ia telah meledak itu. Dia telah sepakat untuk terapi individu hanya karena saya. Jika saya tidak bagian dari persamaan lagi, dia mungkin tidak melihat alasan untuk melakukan upaya.Aku memasuki lobi bersahaja dan elegan gedung apartemen Gideon dan diperiksa dengan meja depan. Tidak sampai aku sendirian dalam nya Lift pribadi bahwa saraf benar-benar memukul saya. Dia telah menempatkan saya pada daftar disetujui nya minggu sebelumnya, sikap yang berarti jauh lebih banyak untuk dirinya dan saya daripada akan kepada orang lain karena rumah Gideon tempat kudus-Nya, tempat ia membiarkan beberapa pengunjung untuk melihat. Saya adalah kekasih hanya dia akan pernah menghibur sana dan satu-satunya orang, selain staf rumah tangga, yang memiliki kunci. Kemarin saya tidak meragukan saya menyambut, tapi sekarang...Aku keluar ke sebuah serambi kecil yang dihiasi dengan ubin marmer Dam dan konsol antik bantalan besar pengaturan putih calla Lily. Sebelum saya membuka pintu depan, aku mengambil napas dalam-dalam, steeling diri untuk namun dapat menemukan dirinya. Satu kali sebelumnya ia telah menyerang saya dalam tidurnya, ia telah hancur nya. Aku tidak bisa membantu tetapi takut apa yang kedua kalinya dilakukan kepadanya. Aku sangat ketakutan bahwa parasomnia nya mungkin baji yang mengantarkan kami terpisah.Tapi saat aku memasuki apartemennya, aku tahu dia tidak rumah. Energi yang thrummed melalui ruang ketika ia diduduki itu tidak nyata hadir.Lampu yang diaktifkan oleh gerakan saya datang di saat aku memasuki ruang tamu luas, dan aku memaksakan diri untuk menetap di seolah-olah saya milik ada. Kamarku berada menyusuri lorong dan aku pergi untuk itu, berhenti di ambang batas untuk menyerap keanehan melihat kamarku direplikasi di tempat Gideon. Duplikasi adalah luar biasa, dari warna pada dinding untuk furnitur dan kain, tetapi keberadaannya adalah lebih dari sedikit mengerikan.Gideon telah diciptakan sebagai kamarku Brankas, tempat bagi saya untuk menjalankan untuk ketika saya membutuhkan beberapa ruang. Aku seharusnya aku berlari untuk itu sekarang, dengan cara, dengan menggunakan itu bukan miliknya.Pengaturan saya latihan tas dan dompet di tempat tidur, aku mandi dan berubah menjadi salah satu Cross industri T-shirt Gideon telah menyisihkan bagi saya. Aku mencoba untuk tidak berpikir tentang mengapa ia masih tidak rumah. Aku hanya menuangkan segelas anggur dan berubah pada ruang televisi saat smartphone saya berdering.“Hello?” I answered, unfamiliar with the number on the nameless Caller ID.“Eva? It’s Shawna.”“Oh, hey, Shawna.” I tried not to sound disappointed.“I hope it’s not too late to call.”I looked at the screen of my phone, noting that it was almost nine o’clock. Jealousy mingled with my concern. Where was he? “No worries. I’m just watching TV.”“Sorry I missed your call last night. I know it’s short notice, but I wanted to see if you’d be up for going to a Six-Ninths concert on Friday.”“A what concert?”“Six-Ninths. You haven’t heard of ’em? They were indie until late last year. I’ve been following them for a while and they gave their e-mail list first dibs, so I scored tickets. Thing is, everyone I know likes hip-hop and dance pop. Not to say you’re my last hope, but . . . well, you’re my last hope. Tell me you like alt rock.”“I like alt rock.” My phone beeped. Incoming call. When I saw it was Cary, I let it go to voice mail. I didn’t think I’d be on the phone with Shawna too long and I could call him back.“How did I know that?” She laughed. “I’ve got four tickets if you’ve got someone you’d like to bring along. Meet up at six? Grab something to eat first? The show starts at nine.”Gideon walked in just as I answered, “You’ve got a date.”He stood just inside the door with his jacket slung over one arm, the top button of his dress shirt undone, and a briefcase in his hand. His mask was in place, showing no emotion whatsoever at finding me sprawled on his couch in his T-shirt with a glass of his wine on his table and his television on. He raked me with a head-to-toe glance, but nothing flickered in those beautiful eyes. I suddenly felt awkward and unwanted.“I’ll get back to you about the other ticket,” I told Shawna, sitting up slowly so I didn’t flash him. “Thanks for thinking of me.”“I’m just glad you’re coming! We’re going to have a great time.”We agreed to talk the next day and hung up. In the interim, Gideon set his briefcase down and tossed his jacket over the arm of one of the gilded chairs flanking the ends of the glass coffee table.“How long have you been here?” he asked, yanking the knot of his tie loose.I stood. My palms grew damp at the thought that he might kick me out. “Not long.”“Have you eaten?”I shook my head. I hadn’t been able to eat much all day. I’d gotten through the session with Parker courtesy of a protein drink I’d picked up during my lunch hour.