I hold tightly to Daniel’s hand as

I hold tightly to Daniel’s hand as we approach the host desk. My heart is beating hard, but not for the reason I expected. I’m hyper-alert to signals that the panic is rising like a flood inside me, but as I tell the hostess that we’d like to be seated at the bar, it doesn’t come. Instead, I feel the lingering warmth in my belly from my time outside with Daniel. When I felt the hard lines of him, breathed in his scent, and melted as he held my hips in a possessive grip. He looks so good tonight. He’s gotten his hair cut, so it’s a little less shaggy but still stylishly messy in his usual, effortless way. Although he still looks casual, he’s wearing dark jeans and a sweater that shows off the breadth of his chest and shoulders.
He helps me shed my coat and hangs both of ours up in the coatroom, then strides out and puts his arm around my back as the hostess leads us to the sushi bar. I can’t keep the smile off my face as I sit down. I’m here with Daniel. In a restaurant. We’re like a normal couple.
He flashes a charming smile at the waitress as he orders a beer, and I stumble over my words as I order tea. I glance over to see him watching me, and my cheeks get hot. Maybe he’s waiting for me to panic and fall apart. But … I haven’t so far, not even close. I walked into that bakery, and even talked to that guy Sam behind the counter, and though my heart was beating a little faster at the flashing images of what it would be like to have a panic attack right in the middle of that quaint little shop, it all felt manageable. Daniel was right there, and he made any fear melt away when he put his arm around me, when he let me feed him a bite of pastry. In fact, when he started to touch me, I nearly forgot where I was. It was like the whole world went away.
I frown. That’s not good. Heather said I’m supposed to face my fears, but I’m not scared at all. I’ve been telling her things were going better than expected, that although I’ve been nervous during these homework assignments, I haven’t had a single panic attack. I thought that was awesome, but when I told Heather about it in our last session, she wasn’t pleased. She said that if I want to reach my goals, I can’t let myself be comfortable. Or comforted.
The sushi chef leans over us, his eyebrows rising, waiting for us to tell him what we like. Daniel waits for me to say my preferences, and I take my time, waiting for the anxiety to kick in as the chef squints at me. But Daniel’s hand is on my thigh, and it’s so distracting, the way it’s sending heavy waves of desire rolling through me, that I forget what I’m trying to do.
When I’m done, Daniel rattles off a few specific things that he wants, and then we watch as the chef works. I love the flash of the knife, the deft, confident way he handles the food.
“You look pretty relaxed,” Daniel says, the corner of his mouth curled upward.
“I like being here. There’s just something so … cool … about being able to make beautiful food.” Daniel’s eyes narrow, and his expression is so knowing that I change the subject to his family, just to throw him off balance. I don’t want to even think about the possibility of cooking or baking for a living, but after talking to Sam, I can’t stop thinking about it. He looked so relaxed, with flour on his apron and a smear of icing on his shirt. It looked heavenly, to spend the day making delicately beautiful confections and then seeing people’s eyes light up as they look at them, seeing them smile as they taste them.
All my life, I’ve been on a different path. People in my family work in business. Law. They bring in serious money, enough to make it look easy. No one spends their days in a shop on Main Street in a little town. No one would dream of doing anything so low-paying and ordinary, something that doesn’t require Ivy League schooling and major connections. But to me, it sounds like a dream. One I’ve never allowed myself to consider because my parents would cut me off in a heartbeat if I went after it. And after everything that’s happened, I’d assumed it was unrealistic anyway, since I couldn’t leave the house. But now, here I am. With the hottest guy I’ve ever seen, who’s looking at me like I’m something special.
We talk and eat and drink and laugh, and I keep the conversation on him and his family, because I want to know everything about him, and it feels better to keep the focus off me. He tells me about life growing up with his brother Nate. But as he describes how strong and fierce his younger sibling is, how he’s in the army and kicking ass, something strikes me. “Is he like you?”
Daniel tilts his head, but there’s a hint of tension in his smile. “We’re really different, actually. He’s always been a lot more serious than I am.”
“That’s not what I mean. You said his friend was killed recently.”
Daniel’s suddenly really interested in what the sushi chef’s doing. “Nate’s tough. He’ll get through it. He told my parents that he’s fine.”
I hesitate. I don’t want to piss him off. But—“And they believed him? Do you believe him?”
He purses his lips, like he’s biting the inside of his cheek. “Sure. I mean, it’s rough, but he can handle it.”
I lean toward him, allowing myself the luxury of stroking my fingers through his hair. “That’s how you are with your mom.”
He bows his head. “It’s a different situation.”
“But the same way of coping. Avoiding the topic and trying to act like everything’s all right. Like you’re all right, even when you’re not. Like nothing can reach you or hurt you, even when it does.”
 He closes his eyes and chuckles to himself. “I wish that worked a little better with you.”
My fingertips find his jaw, skating gently along his face. “Do you really?”
He raises his head and looks into my eyes. “I honestly don’t know,” he says after a few moments. “You see too much sometimes.”
“But sometimes I don’t see enough.” I remember when he said something like that to me before.
“So what do you see tonight?”
I take his face in my hands, looking closely. His eyes, already so blue, look brighter. But there’s something else there, too. Fear, maybe. Whatever it is, it’s intense. My thumbs smooth along his cheeks. “Has something happened?”
“I think so,” he says, his voice vibrating through the space between us. He puts his hand over mine and holds it against his face. “I wonder if—the check, maybe?”
“Yeah,” I say instantly.
As we pay the check and head out, I feel like anything is possible. I don’t remember that I’m supposed to feel anxious until we’re walking into the coat room. It strikes me so quickly that I stop dead in my tracks. Daniel collides with my back and nearly causes me to stumble into the hanging coats. He catches me around the waist and pulls me back against him. “Sorry. Are you okay?”
His fingers spread possessively over my ribs. “I’m fine,” I tell him. “I just realized … I didn’t panic. Not even close.”
His voice is soft against my ear. “Isn’t that a good thing?”
I turn around, and in the narrow space of the coatroom, he’s right there. My chest brushes against his, making my stomach flutter. “Yes. I mean, no. Definitely no. This is the fifth time it hasn’t happened. I thought it meant I was making progress, but that’s not it.”
“Do you want to go back in? We could order—”
“No. It won’t work,” I say, shaking my head, fighting the terrible sinking feeling that’s threatening to pull me through the floor. “This isn’t working.”
His hands span my waist. “Could you be more specific?” The playful expression that he wore throughout dinner is gone now.
“Heather said this might happen,” I grumble. And I’d argued with her. I’d been totally stubborn about it. But she was right. “She thought you’d be too reassuring. That you might protect me from the things I need to face.” I’d told her that Daniel is one of the things that scares me most, and in some ways, that’s true. But when he’s by my side, I know everything’s going to be okay. “It was a mistake to come here with you.”
His jaw tightens. “Stella, you were having a good time. Don’t pretend you weren’t.”
“I was. That’s the problem.”
His hands rise to my face. “How is that a problem? Do you have to be working on this panic stuff all the time? Can’t we just have fun? I don’t understand why that’s a bad thing.”
I pull his palms away from my cheeks. “I don’t want to need you, Daniel.” And every moment I’m with him, I feel like I need him more—which means that if he loses interest in me, if he leaves, I’ll be right back where I was. Pathetic and trapped. I swallow hard as my throat constricts. I don’t know how to make him understand what this is like, feeling like I need another person to function normally and do things other people take for granted. If I ever want to be free of panic and fear, I can’t do it this way. “I’m sorry.”
“No. You’re not pushing me away. Not now,” he says in a hard voice. His arm encircles my back and he steps forward, eliminating any space between us. “Tell me what I need to do if this isn’t working.”
“It’s not anything you’re doing!” I put my hands on his chest. “It’s you, Daniel. It’s just you. Being with you makes me feel wonderful, but it also makes me feel weak.” My heart is hammering now, and my breath is coming faster. What am I saying? I don’t want to lose him. But I don’t want to have him this way, either, when I’m the sick, anxious girl and he’s the hero, always knowing what to say, what to do, always smoothing my way when I should be able to do that for myself. “I just … I can’t be with you this way. You shouldn’t want it either.”
His mouth drops open and then shuts with an audible snap as he grits his teeth. “Okay. We’re going.” He gets me my coat and yanks his own on, then walks me in silence to his car. All my fantasies of how we might have spent this evening are gone,

Hasil (Bahasa Indonesia) 1:

Saya memegang erat-erat Daniel di tangan saat kita mendekati para tuan rumah. Jantung saya berdetak keras, tetapi bukan untuk alasan yang saya harapkan. Aku hiper-waspada untuk sinyal bahwa panik meningkat seperti banjir di dalam diriku, tapi seperti yang saya katakan nyonya rumah yang kami ingin duduk di bar, itu tidak datang. Sebaliknya, aku merasa kehangatan berlama-lama di perutku dari waktu saya di luar dengan Daniel. Ketika saya merasa garis keras dia, bernapas dalam aroma tubuhnya, dan meleleh seperti yang dipegangnya pinggulku dalam cengkeraman posesif. Dia tampak begitu baik malam ini. Dia mendapat rambutnya dipotong, sehingga sedikit kurang berbulu tetapi masih penuh gaya berantakan dalam cara biasa, tanpa usaha. Meskipun ia masih tampak santai, dia memakai jeans hitam dan sweater yang menunjukkan luasnya dada dan bahu.Dia membantu saya memberi saya mantel dan menutup kedua kami di coatroom, maka langkah keluar dan menempatkan lengannya di sekitar saya kembali sebagai nyonya rumah membawa kita ke sushi bar. Saya tidak bisa menyimpan senyum dari wajah saya saat saya duduk. Aku di sini dengan Daniel. Di restoran. Kita sudah seperti pasangan yang normal.Ia berkedip senyum menawan di pelayan seperti ia memerintahkan bir, dan aku tersandung kata-kata saya seperti yang saya memesan teh. Saya sekilas di atas untuk melihat dia menonton aku, dan pipiku mendapatkan panas. Mungkin ia sedang menunggu bagi saya untuk panik dan berantakan. Tapi... Saya belum sejauh ini, tidak menutup bahkan. Berjalan ke toko roti itu, dan bahkan berbicara dengan orang itu Sam di belakang meja, dan walaupun hatiku berdebar sedikit lebih cepat pada gambar berkedip dari apa yang akan seperti memiliki serangan panik tepat di tengah toko kecil yang kuno, semuanya merasa dikelola. Daniel adalah di sana, dan ia membuat rasa takut yang meleleh ketika dia meletakkan tangannya di sekitar saya, ketika dia membiarkan saya memberinya gigitan kue. Bahkan, ketika ia mulai menyentuh saya, aku hampir lupa mana aku berada. Rasanya seperti seluruh dunia pergi.Aku mengerutkan kening. Itu tidak baik. Heather mengatakan aku harus menghadapi ketakutan saya, tetapi saya tidak takut sama sekali. Aku sudah memberitahu dia apa yang terjadi lebih baik dari yang diharapkan, karena meskipun aku sudah gugup selama tugas pekerjaan rumah ini, saya tidak punya satu serangan panik. Saya pikir itu mengagumkan, tetapi ketika saya katakan Heather tentang hal itu dalam sesi terakhir kami, dia tidak senang. Dia mengatakan bahwa jika saya ingin mencapai tujuan saya, aku tidak membiarkan diriku merasa nyaman. Atau dihibur.Koki sushi bersandar atas kita, alis nya meningkat, menunggu kita untuk menceritakan apa yang kita sukai. Daniel menunggu saya untuk mengatakan preferensi saya, dan saya mengambil waktu saya, menunggu kecemasan menendang sebagai koki squints padaku. Tetapi Daniel's tangan di pahaku, dan itu begitu mengganggu, cara mengirimkan gelombang berat keinginan bergulir melalui saya, bahwa aku lupa apa yang saya coba lakukan.Ketika saya selesai, Daniel mainan kerincingan dari beberapa hal-hal tertentu bahwa dia ingin, dan kemudian kita menonton sebagai karya-karya koki. Saya suka flash pisau, cekatan, yakin cara dia menangani makanan."Kau tampak cukup santai," kata Daniel, sudut mulutnya meringkuk ke atas."Aku seperti berada di sini. Ada sesuatu jadi... keren... tentang mampu membuat makanan yang indah. " Daniel's mata sempit, dan ekspresi jadi adalah mengetahui bahwa saya mengubah subjek untuk keluarganya, hanya untuk melemparkan dia kehilangan keseimbangan. Saya tidak ingin bahkan berpikir tentang kemungkinan memasak atau memanggang untuk mencari nafkah, tapi setelah berbicara dengan Sam, aku tidak bisa berhenti berpikir tentang hal itu. Dia tampak begitu santai, dengan tepung smear icing pada kemeja dan celemek nya. Itu tampak surgawi, untuk menghabiskan hari membuat gula-gula halus indah dan kemudian melihat orang mata menyala ketika mereka melihat mereka, melihat mereka tersenyum ketika mereka rasa mereka.Sepanjang hidupku, aku sudah berada di jalan yang berbeda. Orang dalam keluarga saya bekerja di bisnis. Hukum. Mereka membawa uang yang serius, cukup untuk membuatnya terlihat mudah. Tidak ada yang menghabiskan hari-hari mereka di sebuah toko di jalan utama di kota kecil. Tidak ada yang akan bermimpi melakukan sesuatu sehingga upah rendah dan biasa, sesuatu yang tidak memerlukan sekolah Ivy League dan koneksi utama. Tapi bagi saya, kedengarannya seperti mimpi. Satu aku sudah pernah membiarkan diriku untuk mempertimbangkan karena orang tua saya akan memotong dalam sekejap jika aku pergi setelah itu. Dan setelah semua yang telah terjadi, aku sudah diasumsikan itu realistis, karena saya tidak bisa meninggalkan rumah. Tapi sekarang, di sini saya. Dengan orang terpanas yang pernah saya lihat, yang menatapku seperti aku sesuatu yang istimewa.Kita berbicara dan makan dan Minumlah dan tertawa, dan menjaga percakapan pada dirinya dan keluarganya, karena saya ingin tahu segala sesuatu tentang dia, dan merasa lebih baik untuk menjaga fokus saya. Dia memberitahu saya tentang hidup yang tumbuh dengan saudaranya Nate. Tetapi sebagaimana ia menjelaskan bagaimana kuat dan ganas adik kandung nya adalah, bagaimana ia di tentara dan menendang pantat, sesuatu yang mengejutkan saya. "Apakah dia seperti Anda?"Daniel miring kepalanya, tetapi ada sedikit ketegangan dalam senyumnya. "Kita sudah benar-benar berbeda, sebenarnya. Dia selalu jauh lebih serius daripada aku.""Itulah tidak apa yang saya maksud. Anda mengatakan temannya dibunuh baru saja."Daniel's tiba-tiba benar-benar tertarik dalam melakukan apa sushi koki. "Nate's sulit. Dia akan mendapatkan melalui itu. Dia mengatakan kepada orang tua saya bahwa ia baik-baik saja."I hesitate. I don’t want to piss him off. But—“And they believed him? Do you believe him?”He purses his lips, like he’s biting the inside of his cheek. “Sure. I mean, it’s rough, but he can handle it.”I lean toward him, allowing myself the luxury of stroking my fingers through his hair. “That’s how you are with your mom.”He bows his head. “It’s a different situation.”“But the same way of coping. Avoiding the topic and trying to act like everything’s all right. Like you’re all right, even when you’re not. Like nothing can reach you or hurt you, even when it does.” He closes his eyes and chuckles to himself. “I wish that worked a little better with you.”My fingertips find his jaw, skating gently along his face. “Do you really?”He raises his head and looks into my eyes. “I honestly don’t know,” he says after a few moments. “You see too much sometimes.”“But sometimes I don’t see enough.” I remember when he said something like that to me before.“So what do you see tonight?”I take his face in my hands, looking closely. His eyes, already so blue, look brighter. But there’s something else there, too. Fear, maybe. Whatever it is, it’s intense. My thumbs smooth along his cheeks. “Has something happened?”“I think so,” he says, his voice vibrating through the space between us. He puts his hand over mine and holds it against his face. “I wonder if—the check, maybe?”“Yeah,” I say instantly.
As we pay the check and head out, I feel like anything is possible. I don’t remember that I’m supposed to feel anxious until we’re walking into the coat room. It strikes me so quickly that I stop dead in my tracks. Daniel collides with my back and nearly causes me to stumble into the hanging coats. He catches me around the waist and pulls me back against him. “Sorry. Are you okay?”
His fingers spread possessively over my ribs. “I’m fine,” I tell him. “I just realized … I didn’t panic. Not even close.”
His voice is soft against my ear. “Isn’t that a good thing?”
I turn around, and in the narrow space of the coatroom, he’s right there. My chest brushes against his, making my stomach flutter. “Yes. I mean, no. Definitely no. This is the fifth time it hasn’t happened. I thought it meant I was making progress, but that’s not it.”
“Do you want to go back in? We could order—”
“No. It won’t work,” I say, shaking my head, fighting the terrible sinking feeling that’s threatening to pull me through the floor. “This isn’t working.”
His hands span my waist. “Could you be more specific?” The playful expression that he wore throughout dinner is gone now.
“Heather said this might happen,” I grumble. And I’d argued with her. I’d been totally stubborn about it. But she was right. “She thought you’d be too reassuring. That you might protect me from the things I need to face.” I’d told her that Daniel is one of the things that scares me most, and in some ways, that’s true. But when he’s by my side, I know everything’s going to be okay. “It was a mistake to come here with you.”
His jaw tightens. “Stella, you were having a good time. Don’t pretend you weren’t.”
“I was. That’s the problem.”
His hands rise to my face. “How is that a problem? Do you have to be working on this panic stuff all the time? Can’t we just have fun? I don’t understand why that’s a bad thing.”
I pull his palms away from my cheeks. “I don’t want to need you, Daniel.” And every moment I’m with him, I feel like I need him more—which means that if he loses interest in me, if he leaves, I’ll be right back where I was. Pathetic and trapped. I swallow hard as my throat constricts. I don’t know how to make him understand what this is like, feeling like I need another person to function normally and do things other people take for granted. If I ever want to be free of panic and fear, I can’t do it this way. “I’m sorry.”
“No. You’re not pushing me away. Not now,” he says in a hard voice. His arm encircles my back and he steps forward, eliminating any space between us. “Tell me what I need to do if this isn’t working.”
“It’s not anything you’re doing!” I put my hands on his chest. “It’s you, Daniel. It’s just you. Being with you makes me feel wonderful, but it also makes me feel weak.” My heart is hammering now, and my breath is coming faster. What am I saying? I don’t want to lose him. But I don’t want to have him this way, either, when I’m the sick, anxious girl and he’s the hero, always knowing what to say, what to do, always smoothing my way when I should be able to do that for myself. “I just … I can’t be with you this way. You shouldn’t want it either.”
His mouth drops open and then shuts with an audible snap as he grits his teeth. “Okay. We’re going.” He gets me my coat and yanks his own on, then walks me in silence to his car. All my fantasies of how we might have spent this evening are gone,