“So”—Cary slung his arm around me w

“So”—Cary slung his arm around me when I curled into his side—“here we are again.”
Another night at my mom’s. She’d finally gotten suspicious, considering it was our fourth night in a row at her place. I confessed to arguing with Gideon, but not why. I didn’t think she would understand. I’m sure she would think it was perfectly normal for a man in Gideon’s position to handle all the pesky little details. And as for me possibly losing my job? Why would I want to work when I had no financial reason to?
She didn’t understand. Some daughters wanted to grow up to be just like their mothers; I wanted the opposite. And my need to be the anti-Monica was the main reason I struggled so much with what Gideon had done. Any advice from her would only make things worse. I almost resented her as much as I did him.
“We’ll go home tomorrow,” I said.
After all, I’d be seeing Gideon at Dr. Petersen’s office at the very least. I was desperately curious about how that would go. I couldn’t help but hope that Gideon had turned a major corner with therapy. If so, maybe there were other corners we could turn. Together.
I crossed my fingers.
And really, I had to give Gideon credit for doing his best to give me the space I’d asked for. He could’ve caught me in an elevator or the lobby of the Crossfire. He could have told Raúl to drive me to him instead of wherever I directed. Gideon was trying.
“Have you heard from Trey?” I asked.
It was kind of miraculous how often Cary and I ended up in the same place at the same time. Or maybe it was a shared curse.
“He sent me a text saying he was thinking about me but wasn’t ready to talk yet.”
“Well, that’s something.”
His hand ran up and down my back. “Is it?”
“Yes,” I said. “I’m in the same place with Gideon. I think about him all the time, but I don’t have anything to say to him right now.”
“So what’s next? Where do you go from here? When do you decide you’ve got something more to say?”
I thought about that a minute, absently watching Harrison Ford hunt for answers in The Fugitive, which we had on mute. “When something changes, I guess.”
“When he changes, you mean. What if he doesn’t?”
I didn’t have that answer yet, and when I tried to think about it, I went a little crazy.
So I asked Cary a question instead. “I know you want to put the baby first and that’s the right thing to do. But Tatiana’s not happy. And you’re not, either. Trey’s definitely not. This isn’t working out for any of you. Have you thought about being with Trey and the two of you helping Tatiana with the baby?”
He snorted. “She’s not gonna go for that. If she’s miserable, everyone else has to be, too.”
“I don’t think that should be her choice to make. She’s as responsible for getting pregnant as you are. You don’t have to do some sort of penance, Cary.” I put my hand over the arm he had lying in his lap, my thumb brushing carefully over the fresh scars on his inner forearm. “Be happy with Trey. Make him happy. And if Tatiana can’t be happy with having two hot guys looking after her, then she’s … not doing something right.”
Cary laughed softly and pressed his lips to the crown of my head. “Solve your own problem that easily.”
“I wish I could.” I wished for that more than anything. But I knew it wouldn’t be easy.
And I feared it might be impossible.
THE vibration of my smartphone woke me.
When I realized what the buzzing was, I began searching blindly for my phone, my hands sliding around the bed until I found it. By then, I’d missed the call.
Squinting at the glaringly bright screen, I saw it was just past three A.M. and Gideon had called. My heart skipped as worry chased away sleep. Once again I’d gone to bed cradling my phone, unable to stop reading the many texts he had sent me.
I called him back.
“Angel,” he answered on the first ring, his voice hoarse.
“Is everything okay?”
“Yes. No.” He blew out his breath. “I had a nightmare.”
“Oh.” I blinked up at the canopy that I couldn’t see in the dark. My mother was a fan of blackout drapes, saying they were necessary in a city that was never truly dark. “I’m sorry.”
It was a lame reply, but what else could I say? It would be pointless to ask if he wanted to talk about it. He never did.
“I’m having them a lot lately,” he said wearily. “Every time I fall asleep.”
My heart hurt a little more. It seemed impossible that it could take so much pain, but there was always more. I’d learned that long ago.
“You’re stressed, Gideon. I’m not sleeping well, either.” And then, because it had to be said, “I miss you.”
“Eva …”
“Sorry.” I scrubbed at my eyes. “Maybe I shouldn’t say that.”
Maybe it was a mixed signal that would only make things worse for him. I felt guilty for staying away, even though I knew I had good reason to.
“No, I need to hear it. I’m scared, Eva. I’ve never felt fear like this. I’m afraid you won’t come back … that you won’t give me another chance.”
“Gideon—”
“I dreamed about my father at first. We were walking on the beach and he was holding my hand. I’ve been dreaming about the beach a lot lately.”
I swallowed hard, my chest aching. “Maybe that means something.”
“Maybe. I was little in the dream. I had to look up a long way to see my dad’s face. He was smiling, but then I always remember him smiling. Even though I heard him fighting with my mom a lot toward the end, I can’t remember any other expression on his face but a smile.”
“I’m sure you made him happy. And proud. He probably always smiled when he looked at you.”
He was quiet for a minute, and I thought maybe that was it. Then he went on. “I saw you up ahead on the beach, walking away from us.”
I rolled onto my side, listening intently.
“Your hair was blowing in the breeze and the sun lit it up. I thought it was beautiful. I pointed you out to my dad. I wanted you to turn your head so we could see your face. I knew you were gorgeous. I wanted him to see you.”
Tears welled in my eyes and slid down to wet my pillow.
“I tried to run after you. I was pulling at his hand and he was holding me back, laughing about chasing pretty girls at my age.”
I could picture the scene so clearly in my mind. I could almost feel the brisk breeze whipping through my hair and hear the seagulls calling. I could see the young Gideon in the picture he’d given me and the handsome, charismatic Geoffrey Cross.
I wanted a future like that. With Gideon walking down the beach with our son who looked just like him, my husband laughing because our troubles were behind us and a bright, happy future lay ahead of us.
But he’d called it a nightmare, so I knew that future I envisioned wasn’t one he saw.
“I was tugging so hard on his hand,” he continued, “digging my bare feet into the sand for traction. But he was so much stronger than me. You were walking farther and farther away. He laughed again. Only this time, it wasn’t his laugh. It was Hugh’s. And when I looked up again, it wasn’t my father anymore.”
“Oh, Gideon.” I sobbed his name, unable to hold back the sympathy and grief. And the relief that he was talking to me at last.
“He told me you didn’t want me, that you were going away because you knew everything and it made you sick. That you couldn’t get away fast enough.”
“That’s not true!” I sat up in bed. “You know that’s not true. I love you. It’s because I love you so much that I’m thinking so hard about this. Us.”
“I’m trying to give you space. But I feel like it would be so easy for us to drift apart. A day goes by, then another. You’ll find a new routine without me in it … Christ, Eva, I don’t want you to get over me.”
I spoke in a rush, my thoughts tumbling out of my mouth. “There’s a way to get through this, Gideon, I know there is. But when I’m with you I lose myself in you. I just want to be with you and to be happy, so I let things ride and put them off. We make love and I think we’ll be okay, because we have that and it’s perfect.”
“It is perfect. It’s everything.”
“When you’re inside me, looking at me, I feel like we can conquer anything. But we’ve really got to work on this! We can’t be afraid to deal with our baggage because we don’t want to lose each other.”
He growled softly. “I just want us to spend time together not dealing with all this other shit!”
“I know.” I rubbed at the pain in my chest. “But we have to earn it, I think. We can’t manufacture it by running away for a weekend or a week.”
“How do we earn it?”
I swiped at the tears drying on my cheeks. “Tonight was good. You calling me, telling me about your dream. It’s a good step, Gideon.”
“We’ll keep making steps, then. We have to keep moving together or we’re going to end up moving apart. Don’t let that happen! I’m fighting here, with everything I’ve got. Fight for me, too.”
My eyes stung with fresh tears. I sat for a while, crying, knowing he could hear me and that it was hurting him.
Finally, I swallowed the pain down and made a snap decision. “I’m going to that all-night café on Broadway and Eighty-fifth for coffee and a croissant.”
He was silent for a long minute. “What? Now?”
“Right now.” I tossed back the covers on the bed and slid to the floor.
Then he got it. “Okay.”
Killing the call, I dropped the phone on the bed and fumbled for the light. I ran to my duffel bag, digging out the butter yellow maxi dress I’d shoved in there because it was easy to pack and comfortable to wear.
Now that I was decided on seeing Gideon, I was anxious to get to him, but I had my vanity, too. I took the time to brush out my hair and put a little makeup on. I didn’t want him to see me after four days and wonder why he was so gone over me.
My phone buzzed a notification of a text and I hurried over to it, seeing a note from Raúl: I’m out front with the car.
A little zing went through me. Gideon was anxious to see me, too. Still, he never missed a trick.

Hasil (Bahasa Indonesia) 1:

"Jadi" — Cary tersandang lengannya di sekitar saya ketika saya meringkuk ke samping — "di sini kita adalah lagi."Satu malam lagi di ibuku. Dia akhirnya mendapatkan curiga, mengingat itu malam kami keempat berturut-turut di tempatnya. Saya mengaku berdebat dengan Gideon, tetapi tidak mengapa. Saya tidak berpikir ia akan mengerti. Saya yakin dia akan berpikir itu adalah normal bagi manusia dalam posisi Gideon untuk menangani semua rincian kecil sial. Dan aku mungkin kehilangan pekerjaan saya? Mengapa saya ingin bekerja ketika saya tidak punya keuangan alasan untuk?Dia tidak mengerti. Beberapa anak-anak perempuan ingin tumbuh menjadi seperti ibu mereka; Aku menginginkan sebaliknya. Dan saya perlu anti-Monica adalah alasan utama saya berjuang begitu banyak dengan apa yang telah dilakukan Gideon. Saran dari dia hanya akan membuat segalanya lebih buruk. Saya hampir membenci dirinya sebanyak seperti yang saya lakukan padanya."Kami akan pulang besok," kataku.Setelah semua, saya akan melihat Gideon di kantor Dr Petersen setidaknya. Aku sangat ingin tahu tentang bagaimana yang akan pergi. Aku tidak bisa membantu tetapi berharap bahwa Gideon telah berpaling sudut utama dengan terapi. Jika demikian, mungkin ada sudut lain kita bisa berubah. Bersama-sama.Saya menyilangkan jemariku.Dan benar-benar, saya harus memberikan kredit Gideon untuk melakukan yang terbaik untuk memberi saya ruang untuk. Dia bisa telah menangkap saya di Lift atau lobi baku tembak. Dia bisa saja mengatakan Raúl membuatku kepadanya daripada dimanapun saya diarahkan. Gideon sedang berusaha."Pernahkah Anda mendengar dari Trey?" Saya bertanya.Itu jenis ajaib seberapa sering Cary dan saya berakhir di tempat yang sama pada waktu yang sama. Atau mungkin itu adalah kutukan bersama."Ia mengirimi saya teks mengatakan dia berpikir tentang saya tapi tidak siap untuk berbicara lagi.""Yah, itu adalah sesuatu."Tangannya berlari atas dan ke bawah punggungku. "Apakah ini?""Ya," kataku. "Saya berada di tempat yang sama dengan Gideon. Aku berpikir tentang dirinya sepanjang waktu, tapi saya tidak punya apa pun untuk mengatakan kepadanya sekarang.""Jadi apa berikutnya? Mana kau pergi dari sini? Kapan Anda memutuskan Anda punya sesuatu lebih banyak?"Aku berpikir tentang yang satu menit, sambil lalu menonton Harrison Ford mencari jawaban dalam The buronan, yang telah kami bisu. "Ketika sesuatu perubahan, saya kira.""Ketika ia perubahan, Anda berarti. Bagaimana jika ia tidak?"Aku tidak punya jawaban itu lagi, dan ketika saya mencoba untuk berpikir tentang hal itu, saya pergi sedikit gila.Jadi aku bertanya Cary pertanyaan sebagai gantinya. "Aku tahu Anda ingin menempatkan bayi pertama dan itu adalah hal yang tepat untuk dilakukan. Tapi Tatiana tidak bahagia. Dan Anda tidak, baik. Trey itu pasti tidak. Ini tidak bekerja untuk Anda. Pernahkah Anda berpikir tentang menjadi dengan Trey dan dua Anda membantu Tatiana dengan bayi?"Dia mendengus. "Dia tidak akan pergi untuk itu. Jika dia sengsara, orang lain telah menjadi, terlalu.""Saya tidak berpikir itu harus menjadi pilihan-Nya untuk membuat. Dia sebagai bertanggung jawab untuk mendapatkan hamil seperti Anda. Anda tidak perlu melakukan semacam penebusan dosa, Cary." Aku meletakkan tangan ke lengan ia berbaring dalam pangkuannya, ibu jari dengan hati-hati menyikat atas bekas luka segar di lengan batin nya. "Senang dengan Trey. Membuatnya bahagia. Dan jika Tatiana tidak bisa bahagia dengan memiliki dua hot orang-orang yang mencari setelah dia, maka dia adalah... tidak melakukan sesuatu yang benar. "Cary tertawa lembut dan menekan bibirnya untuk mahkota kepalaku. "Memecahkan masalah Anda sendiri dengan mudah.""Saya berharap saya bisa." Saya berharap untuk itu lebih dari apa pun. Tetapi saya tahu itu tidak akan mudah.Dan aku takut mungkin mustahil.Getaran smartphone saya membangunkan saya.Ketika saya menyadari apa dengungan itu, saya mulai mencari secara membabi buta telepon saya, tangan saya meluncur di sekitar tempat tidur sampai saya menemukan itu. Oleh itu, aku merindukan panggilan.Menyipitkan mata memandang layar yang mencolok terang, saya melihat itu hanya melewati tiga pagi dan Gideon telah disebut. Jantung saya berdetak karena khawatir mengejar pergi tidur. Sekali lagi aku pergi tidur menggendong telepon saya, tidak dapat berhenti membaca teks-teks banyak yang ia telah mengutus aku.Aku memanggilnya kembali."Malaikat," Dia menjawab pada cincin pertama, suara serak."Apakah semuanya baik-baik saja?""Ya. No." Ia meniup nafasnya. "Aku punya mimpi buruk.""Oh." Saya berkedip pada kanopi yang aku tidak bisa melihat dalam gelap. Ibu saya adalah seorang penggemar dari tirai, mengatakan mereka yang diperlukan di sebuah kota yang tidak pernah benar-benar gelap. "Saya minta maaf."Itu Balasan lumpuh, tapi apa lagi yang bisa saya katakan? Akan ada gunanya untuk bertanya apakah ia ingin berbicara tentang hal itu. Ia tidak pernah melakukannya."Saya mengalami mereka banyak akhir-akhir ini," katanya letih. "Setiap kali aku jatuh tertidur."Hatiku sakit sedikit lebih. Rasanya mustahil bahwa itu bisa mengambil begitu banyak rasa sakit, tapi selalu ada lebih. Saya telah belajar yang lama."Anda stres, Gideon. Aku tidak tidur Yah, baik." Dan kemudian, karena itu dikatakan, "I miss you.""Eva...""Maaf." Aku menggosok di mataku. "Mungkin aku tidak mengatakan itu."Mungkin itu sinyal campuran yang hanya akan membuat hal-hal buruk baginya. Aku merasa bersalah untuk tinggal, meskipun aku tahu aku punya alasan yang baik untuk."Tidak, aku harus mendengarnya. Aku takut, Eva. Aku belum pernah merasakan takut seperti ini. Aku takut Anda tidak akan kembali... bahwa Anda tidak akan memberi saya kesempatan lain.""Gideon —""Aku bermimpi tentang ayahku pada awalnya. Kami berjalan di pantai dan dia memegang tanganku. Aku telah bermimpi tentang pantai belakangan."Aku menelan keras, sakit dada saya. "Mungkin itu berarti sesuatu.""Mungkin. Aku masih kecil dalam mimpi. Aku memandang jauh untuk melihat wajah dad. Dia tersenyum, tapi kemudian aku selalu ingat dia tersenyum. Meskipun aku mendengar dia berjuang dengan ibu saya banyak menjelang akhir, saya tidak ingat setiap lain ekspresi wajahnya tapi senyum.""Saya yakin Anda membuatnya bahagia. Dan bangga. Dia mungkin selalu tersenyum ketika ia memandang Anda."Dia tenang selama satu menit, dan saya pikir mungkin itu. Kemudian ia melanjutkan. "Saya melihat Anda sampai ke depan di pantai, berjalan menjauh dari kami."Aku berguling ke sisi saya, mendengarkan intently."Rambut Anda bertiup angin dan matahari menyala. Saya pikir itu adalah indah. Saya menunjukkan Anda untuk ayah saya. Saya ingin Anda untuk mengubah kepala sehingga kami bisa melihat wajah Anda. Aku tahu kau cantik. Aku ingin dia untuk melihat Anda."Air mata welled di mataku dan meluncur turun untuk basah bantal."Saya mencoba untuk menjalankan setelah Anda. Aku menarik di tangan-Nya dan dia memegang saya kembali, tertawa tentang mengejar gadis-gadis cantik pada usia saya."Aku bisa membayangkan adegan begitu jelas dalam pikiran saya. Aku hampir bisa merasakan angin yang cepat mencambuk melalui rambut saya dan mendengar burung-burung camar yang memanggil. Aku bisa melihat Gideon muda dalam gambar dia telah memberikan saya dan Palang Geoffrey tampan, karismatik.Aku ingin masa depan seperti itu. Dengan Gideon berjalan menyusuri pantai dengan putra kami yang tampak seperti dia, suami saya tertawa karena masalah kita di belakang kami dan masa depan yang cerah, bahagia meletakkan di depan kita.Namun dia telah menyebutnya mimpi buruk, jadi aku tahu bahwa masa depan saya membayangkan bukan salah satu yang dilihatnya."Aku menarik begitu keras pada tangannya," lanjutnya, "menggali kakiku telanjang dalam pasir untuk traksi. Tapi ia jauh lebih kuat daripada saya. Anda berjalan jauh dan lebih jauh pergi. Dia tertawa lagi. Hanya kali ini, itu tidak tertawa. Ini adalah Hugh. Dan ketika aku mendongak lagi, itu bukan ayah saya lagi."Oh, Gideon." Aku terisak-isak namanya, mampu menahan simpati dan kesedihan. Dan lega bahwa ia sedang berbicara kepada saya pada akhirnya."Dia bilang Anda tidak ingin aku, bahwa Anda akan pergi karena Anda tahu segala sesuatu dan itu membuat Anda sakit. Bahwa Anda tidak bisa mendapatkan cukup pergi cepat. ""Itu tidak benar!" Aku duduk di tempat tidur. "Anda tahu bahwa itu tidak benar. Aku cinta kamu. Hal ini karena aku mencintaimu begitu banyak bahwa aku sedang berpikir begitu keras tentang hal ini. Kami.""Saya mencoba untuk memberi Anda ruang. Tapi aku merasa seperti itu akan sangat mudah bagi kita untuk semakin berjauhan. Sehari berlalu, kemudian lain. Anda akan menemukan sebuah rutinitas baru tanpa aku di dalamnya... Kristus, Eva, saya tidak ingin Anda mendapatkan atas saya. "Saya berbicara dengan terburu-buru, pikiran saya jatuh dari mulut-Ku. "Ada cara untuk melewati ini, Gideon, saya tahu ada. Tapi ketika saya dengan Anda saya kehilangan diri Anda. Aku hanya ingin untuk bersama Anda dan menjadi bahagia, jadi aku membiarkan hal-hal yang naik dan menundanya. Kami membuat cinta dan saya pikir kami akan baik-baik saja, karena kita punya dan sempurna.""Itu sempurna. Ini adalah segala sesuatu.""Ketika Anda di dalam diriku, menatapku, aku merasa seperti kita dapat menaklukkan apa-apa. Tapi kita benar-benar harus bekerja pada ini! Kita tidak bisa takut untuk berurusan dengan Bagasi kami karena kami tidak ingin kehilangan satu sama lain."Dia berkata sambil menggeram lembut. "Aku hanya ingin kita untuk menghabiskan waktu bersama tidak berurusan dengan kotoran semua ini lain!""Aku tahu." Aku menggosok pada penderitaan dalam dadaku. "Tapi kita harus mendapatkan itu, saya pikir. Kami tidak memproduksi itu oleh melarikan diri untuk akhir pekan atau minggu."“How do we earn it?”I swiped at the tears drying on my cheeks. “Tonight was good. You calling me, telling me about your dream. It’s a good step, Gideon.”“We’ll keep making steps, then. We have to keep moving together or we’re going to end up moving apart. Don’t let that happen! I’m fighting here, with everything I’ve got. Fight for me, too.”My eyes stung with fresh tears. I sat for a while, crying, knowing he could hear me and that it was hurting him.Finally, I swallowed the pain down and made a snap decision. “I’m going to that all-night café on Broadway and Eighty-fifth for coffee and a croissant.”He was silent for a long minute. “What? Now?”“Right now.” I tossed back the covers on the bed and slid to the floor.Then he got it. “Okay.”Killing the call, I dropped the phone on the bed and fumbled for the light. I ran to my duffel bag, digging out the butter yellow maxi dress I’d shoved in there because it was easy to pack and comfortable to wear.Now that I was decided on seeing Gideon, I was anxious to get to him, but I had my vanity, too. I took the time to brush out my hair and put a little makeup on. I didn’t want him to see me after four days and wonder why he was so gone over me.My phone buzzed a notification of a text and I hurried over to it, seeing a note from Raúl: I’m out front with the car.A little zing went through me. Gideon was anxious to see me, too. Still, he never missed a trick.