I loved her and I was so cut up abo

I loved her and I was so cut up about everything. I felt terrible about the things I said to her in the heat of the moment and a lot of her friends turned against me. Even those who weren't there soon heard about the fight. They all knew why she was upset, what I'd said, why she ran out and ended up dead. And most of my friends weren't much better. I went off the rails a bit after that. I've never got over the feeling that I did that to her. I loved her and I did that to her. What does that make me?”
“But you were only seventeen. You didn't know she would go home alone.” I grab his hand. I want to make him see I’m on his side.
“I took her to the party. I said those terrible things. I should have made sure she got home okay. I thought she'd go home with her friends.”
“What happened? How did you know everyone blamed you? Were you still at school then?”
“I tried to go back once but it was awful. I already felt so bad and everyone hated me. So no I never went back after that one time. My parents got me a tutor. I never went out anymore but I had to face the inquest and I could see all those faces looking at me long after that in my mind—the hate in her parents’ eyes, everyone hearing what I'd said. I went off to college in Florida. I thought it would be better if no one knew me. But I recognized Alice from high school. I thought she would blame me too. But she didn't. At least she didn't seem to. She told me it wasn't my fault even if I still felt guilty for leaving Jane at that party. The killer was the killer, not me.”
“She was right about that.”
“I'm still not sure about that. She says now she did blame me but she supported me. In any case, back then she was virtually the only person apart from my family who was saying that. No wonder she drew me in. I was still in such a vulnerable state.”
“Is that why you drink? To forget about Jane? But why now? You never used to get in the state I've seen you in lately.”
“Everything died down for a few years. I still thought about Jane but it wasn't as bad as it used to be. My parents never mentioned it. They moved away too, not far but twenty miles along the coast, far enough away not to be forever bumping into people with hate in their eyes. And everyone but those who are really close forgets about the past eventually. They have their own lives to live.” I squeeze his hand. I want him to know I'm still there for him. I feel hurt inside that this has been hurting him so long and I didn't know.
He goes on. It's as if he just wants to get it all out there, now that he's started. “No one at work knew anything about it. Then when the company grew so fast last year, some journalist interviewed me. He'd done his research well. Few of them bother to dig deep with a business story like mine. They just want to know how you got to be so successful. But this one started probing. The story wasn't widely reported at the time, at least not my part in it. It was all about the crime, the murder. And I gave the journalist answers I thought would fly, it was the truth but only part of it, the part about me loving her and being devastated when she was murdered, and the story never went any further, he didn't even mention it in the final article, but it brought the whole thing back, how it felt to be crucified with guilt over something I did, how she would be alive now if I hadn’t said those things.”
“But you weren't guilty, not really. Guilty of having a fight, guilty of saying things you wish you hadn't but not of murder.”
“It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself that or that they caught the guy and he'd killed the exact same way before, I still feel it was my fault just the same as everyone else thought back then.”
I can't stand to hear the pain in his voice. “You were only seventeen. You were so young and drinking doesn't make it any better.”
“I know that but sometimes I just see her face so clearly. Other times I can't remember what she looks like at all except for the one photograph they printed over and over in the paper at the time of that guy's trial. Sometimes it gets too much and I need to forget everything. Mom says I don't need to forget everything so much as remember what it's like to be seventeen and that I should see a counselor.”
“Maybe you should listen to your mom.”
“Maybe I should.” He smiles but it's tentative as if he's a puppy I'm about to kick, yet I'm still holding his hand. I haven't let go. I bring his hand to my lips.
“You haven't kicked me out. You don't seem shocked like I thought you would be. You don't think I'm bad through and through?” he says.
“I'm shocked you went through all that and that you're still suffering so much from it. I wouldn't expect you to forget, but you can't torture yourself forever from it. You have to let it go and get help if you can't. But Wilson. All those women. You're still sleeping with them and leaving them...you're still trying to get them to sleep with you.”
“Not like Jane. I never put any pressure on anyone.

Hasil (Bahasa Indonesia) 1:

Aku mencintainya dan aku begitu dipotong tentang segala sesuatu. Aku merasa tidak enak tentang hal-hal yang saya katakan kepadanya dalam panas saat ini dan banyak teman-temannya berbalik melawan saya. Bahkan mereka yang tidak ada di sana segera mendengar tentang perang. Mereka semua tahu mengapa ia sedang marah, apa yang telah saya katakan, mengapa ia berlari keluar dan akhirnya mati. Dan sebagian besar teman-teman saya tidak jauh lebih baik. Aku pergi dari rel sedikit setelah itu. Aku tidak pernah punya lebih dari perasaan bahwa saya melakukan itu kepadanya. Aku mencintainya dan aku melakukan itu kepadanya. Apa yang membuat saya?""Tapi kau hanya tujuh belas. Anda tidak tahu dia akan pulang ke rumah sendirian." Saya ambil tangannya. Saya ingin membuat dia melihat saya di sisinya."Aku membawanya ke partai. Saya mengatakan hal-hal yang mengerikan. Aku seharusnya membuat yakin dia pulang Oke. Saya pikir dia akan pulang dengan teman-temannya.""Apa yang terjadi? Bagaimana Apakah Anda tahu semua orang menyalahkan Anda? Apakah Anda masih di sekolah kemudian?""Saya mencoba untuk kembali sekali tapi itu mengerikan. Aku sudah merasa begitu buruk dan semua orang membenci saya. Jadi tidak ada aku tidak pernah kembali setelah satu kali. Orang tua saya membuat saya seorang tutor. Aku tidak pernah pergi lagi tapi aku harus menghadapi pemeriksaan dan aku bisa melihat wajah menatapku lama setelah dalam pikiran saya — kebencian di orangtuanya mata, setiap orang yang mendengar apa yang telah saya katakan. Saya pergi ke college di Florida. Saya pikir akan lebih baik jika tidak ada yang tahu saya. Tapi aku mengenali Alice dari sekolah tinggi. Saya pikir dia akan menyalahkan saya terlalu. Tapi dia tidak. Setidaknya dia tampaknya tidak. Dia bilang itu bukan salahku bahkan jika aku masih merasa bersalah untuk meninggalkan Jane di pesta itu. Pembunuh adalah pembunuh, bukan aku."“She was right about that.”“I'm still not sure about that. She says now she did blame me but she supported me. In any case, back then she was virtually the only person apart from my family who was saying that. No wonder she drew me in. I was still in such a vulnerable state.”“Is that why you drink? To forget about Jane? But why now? You never used to get in the state I've seen you in lately.”“Everything died down for a few years. I still thought about Jane but it wasn't as bad as it used to be. My parents never mentioned it. They moved away too, not far but twenty miles along the coast, far enough away not to be forever bumping into people with hate in their eyes. And everyone but those who are really close forgets about the past eventually. They have their own lives to live.” I squeeze his hand. I want him to know I'm still there for him. I feel hurt inside that this has been hurting him so long and I didn't know.He goes on. It's as if he just wants to get it all out there, now that he's started. “No one at work knew anything about it. Then when the company grew so fast last year, some journalist interviewed me. He'd done his research well. Few of them bother to dig deep with a business story like mine. They just want to know how you got to be so successful. But this one started probing. The story wasn't widely reported at the time, at least not my part in it. It was all about the crime, the murder. And I gave the journalist answers I thought would fly, it was the truth but only part of it, the part about me loving her and being devastated when she was murdered, and the story never went any further, he didn't even mention it in the final article, but it brought the whole thing back, how it felt to be crucified with guilt over something I did, how she would be alive now if I hadn’t said those things.”“But you weren't guilty, not really. Guilty of having a fight, guilty of saying things you wish you hadn't but not of murder.”“It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself that or that they caught the guy and he'd killed the exact same way before, I still feel it was my fault just the same as everyone else thought back then.”I can't stand to hear the pain in his voice. “You were only seventeen. You were so young and drinking doesn't make it any better.”“I know that but sometimes I just see her face so clearly. Other times I can't remember what she looks like at all except for the one photograph they printed over and over in the paper at the time of that guy's trial. Sometimes it gets too much and I need to forget everything. Mom says I don't need to forget everything so much as remember what it's like to be seventeen and that I should see a counselor.”“Maybe you should listen to your mom.”“Maybe I should.” He smiles but it's tentative as if he's a puppy I'm about to kick, yet I'm still holding his hand. I haven't let go. I bring his hand to my lips.“You haven't kicked me out. You don't seem shocked like I thought you would be. You don't think I'm bad through and through?” he says.“I'm shocked you went through all that and that you're still suffering so much from it. I wouldn't expect you to forget, but you can't torture yourself forever from it. You have to let it go and get help if you can't. But Wilson. All those women. You're still sleeping with them and leaving them...you're still trying to get them to sleep with you.”“Not like Jane. I never put any pressure on anyone.

Hasil (Bahasa Indonesia) 2:

Aku mencintainya dan aku begitu dipotong tentang segala sesuatu. Saya merasa buruk tentang hal yang saya berkata kepadanya dalam panas saat itu dan banyak teman-temannya berbalik melawan saya. Bahkan mereka yang tidak ada di sana segera mendengar tentang pertarungan. Mereka semua tahu mengapa dia marah, apa yang saya katakan, mengapa ia berlari keluar dan akhirnya mati. Dan sebagian besar teman-teman saya tidak jauh lebih baik. Aku pergi dari rel sedikit setelah itu. Aku tidak pernah punya lebih dari perasaan bahwa saya melakukan itu padanya. Aku mencintainya dan saya melakukan itu padanya. Apa yang membuat saya? "
" Tapi kau hanya tujuh belas. Anda tidak tahu dia akan pulang sendirian. "Aku ambil tangannya. Saya ingin membuat dia melihat aku di sisinya.
"Saya membawanya ke pesta. Aku mengatakan hal-hal yang mengerikan. Aku harus memastikan dia sampai di rumah baik-baik saja. Saya pikir dia akan pulang bersama teman-temannya. "
" Apa yang terjadi? Bagaimana Anda tahu semua orang menyalahkan Anda? Apakah Anda masih di sekolah itu? "
" Aku mencoba untuk kembali sekali tapi itu mengerikan. Aku sudah merasa begitu buruk dan semua orang membenci saya. Jadi tidak ada saya tidak pernah kembali setelah itu satu waktu. Orang tua saya membuat saya tutor. Aku tidak pernah pergi keluar lagi tapi aku harus menghadapi pemeriksaan dan aku bisa melihat semua wajah mereka menatapku lama setelah itu di pikiran saya-kebencian di mata orangtuanya, semua orang mendengar apa yang saya katakan. Aku pergi ke perguruan tinggi di Florida. Saya pikir akan lebih baik jika tidak ada yang tahu saya. Tapi saya diakui Alice dari sekolah tinggi. Saya pikir dia akan menyalahkan saya juga. Tapi dia tidak melakukannya. Setidaknya dia tampaknya tidak. Dia mengatakan kepada saya itu bukan salahku bahkan jika aku masih merasa bersalah karena meninggalkan Jane di pesta itu. Pembunuhnya adalah si pembunuh, bukan aku. "
" Dia benar tentang itu. "
" Aku masih tidak yakin tentang itu. Sekarang ia mengatakan ia lakukan menyalahkan saya, tapi dia mendukung saya. Dalam kasus apapun, saat itu ia hampir satu-satunya orang selain keluarga saya yang mengatakan bahwa. Tidak heran dia menarik saya. Saya masih dalam keadaan rentan. "
" Apakah itu sebabnya kau minum? Untuk melupakan Jane? Tapi mengapa sekarang? Anda tidak pernah digunakan untuk mendapatkan di negara saya pernah melihat Anda di akhir-akhir ini. "
" Semuanya mereda selama beberapa tahun. Aku masih berpikir tentang Jane tapi itu tidak seburuk dulu. Orang tua saya tidak pernah disebutkan. Mereka pindah juga, tidak jauh tapi dua puluh mil di sepanjang pantai, cukup jauh untuk tidak selamanya menabrak orang dengan kebencian di mata mereka. Dan semua orang tapi orang-orang yang benar-benar lupa dekat tentang masa lalu pada akhirnya. Mereka memiliki kehidupan mereka sendiri untuk hidup. "Aku meremas tangannya. Saya ingin dia tahu aku masih ada untuknya. Aku merasa sakit hati dalam bahwa ini telah menyakitinya begitu lama dan saya tidak tahu.
Dia melanjutkan. Seolah-olah ia hanya ingin mendapatkan semuanya di luar sana, sekarang dia mulai. "Tidak ada satu di tempat kerja tahu apa-apa tentang hal itu. Kemudian ketika perusahaan tumbuh begitu cepat tahun lalu, beberapa wartawan mewawancarai saya. Dia telah melakukan penelitian dengan baik. Beberapa dari mereka repot-repot untuk menggali lebih dalam dengan cerita bisnis seperti saya. Mereka hanya ingin tahu bagaimana Anda harus menjadi begitu sukses. Tapi yang satu ini mulai menyelidik. Cerita itu tidak dilaporkan secara luas pada saat itu, setidaknya bukan bagian saya di dalamnya. Itu semua tentang kejahatan, pembunuhan itu. Dan saya memberi wartawan jawaban yang saya pikir akan terbang, itu kebenaran tetapi hanya bagian dari itu, bagian tentang aku mencintai dia dan yang hancur ketika dia dibunuh, dan cerita tidak pernah pergi lebih jauh, ia bahkan tidak menyebutkan itu di akhir artikel, tapi itu membawa semuanya kembali, bagaimana rasanya untuk disalibkan dengan rasa bersalah atas sesuatu yang saya lakukan, bagaimana dia akan hidup jika aku tidak mengatakan hal-hal. "
" tapi kau tidak bersalah, tidak juga. Bersalah bertengkar, bersalah mengatakan hal-hal yang ingin Anda memiliki tidak tapi bukan dari pembunuhan. "
" Tidak peduli berapa kali saya meyakinkan diri sendiri bahwa atau bahwa mereka menangkap orang itu dan dia membunuh dengan cara yang sama sebelumnya, saya masih merasa itu adalah kesalahan saya sama seperti orang lain berpikir saat itu. "
aku tidak tahan mendengar rasa sakit dalam suaranya. "Kau hanya tujuh belas. Kau begitu muda dan minum tidak membuatnya lebih baik. "
" Aku tahu itu, tetapi kadang-kadang saya hanya melihat wajahnya dengan jelas. Lain kali saya tidak ingat apa yang dia tampak seperti sama sekali kecuali untuk satu foto mereka dicetak berulang di koran pada saat sidang orang itu. Kadang-kadang terlalu banyak dan aku harus melupakan semuanya. Mom bilang aku tidak perlu melupakan semuanya begitu banyak seperti ingat bagaimana rasanya menjadi tujuh belas dan bahwa saya harus melihat seorang konselor. "
" Mungkin Anda harus mendengarkan ibumu. "
" Mungkin aku harus. "Dia tersenyum tapi tentatif seolah dia anak anjing saya akan menendang, namun aku masih memegang tangannya. Saya tidak membiarkan pergi. Aku membawa tangannya ke bibirku.
"Kau belum menendang saya keluar. Anda tidak tampak terkejut seperti saya pikir Anda akan. Anda tidak berpikir saya buruk melalui dan melalui? "Katanya.
" Saya terkejut Anda pergi melalui semua itu dan bahwa Anda masih menderita begitu banyak dari itu. Saya tidak akan mengharapkan Anda untuk melupakan, tetapi Anda tidak dapat menyiksa diri selamanya dari itu. Anda harus membiarkannya pergi dan mendapatkan bantuan jika Anda tidak bisa. Tapi Wilson. Semua wanita. Anda masih tidur dengan mereka dan meninggalkan mereka ... Anda masih mencoba untuk mendapatkan mereka untuk tidur dengan Anda. "
" Tidak seperti Jane. Saya tidak pernah memberikan tekanan apapun pada siapapun.