I want to collapse onto the ground,

I want to collapse onto the ground, but I manage to lean against the stool instead. It’s only then that I notice the three of us are the only people in the bar aside from James who was talking to our other bartender, Sandra, in the corner.
“He’s known. Oh, he’s known. He’s alluded to it before. He’s talked about this girl, this Taylor, as the only girl he loved, a girl he made a huge mistake with. Guess that mistake was Matthew…” My heart aches. “Or the mistake could have been leaving her.” I close my eyes and take a deep breath in through my nose. “Those damn stupid socks.”
“You mean the Nessie ones?” says Linden.
I nod. “I had no idea why he wore them, he just called them lucky.”
“That’s what he said to me when I made fun of them.”
“Did he get defensive?”
“Yeah, kind of. But he sometimes does when you don’t really expect him to.”
I let out a ragged breath and sit down on the stool. My legs just won’t stop shaking. None of me will. My own blood feels rattled. “That’s Bram, isn’t it? Does what you least expect him to. I saw those socks on Matthew. There’s no way that was a coincidence. He knew about Matthew from the very start.” His words run through my head. “He said he did to them what Phil did to Ava and me.”
“What a fucker,” Steph says, putting her hand on my shoulder. “I’m so sorry, what are you going to do?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I don’t know. I just ran. I couldn’t be there.”
“I don’t blame you,” she says just as James comes by.
“What’s going on?” he asks.
“Nothing,” Steph says. “But Nicola needs a shot of whisky and fast.”
“Make it two,” Linden says quickly. He looks a bit shell-shocked. I guess it can’t be easy knowing you’ve always been an uncle, you just didn’t know it.
“And James,” I add in. “If you’re still offering me that assistant manager position, I want it.”
He smiles at me as he pours the shot. “Good to hear.” But I don’t smile back.
“I guess we should say congratulations,” Steph says softly. “But it just doesn’t seem right, right now. I’m so sorry, Nicola.” She searches my eyes and they become sadder by the second. “I know how much you’re in love with him.”
And that’s what really stings. That I love him. That he doesn’t love me. And that this happened. One person’s love isn’t enough to keep two people together, I knew that much already.
James hands me the shot and Linden and I down ours at the same time. It burns but not enough. I want it to burn away the gauze over this night.
“I’ll have another,” I tell James and then Linden and Steph chime in with their requests.
Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door to the bar and we all turn around to see Bram standing on the other side, looking pitiful.
“Don’t open it,” I hiss to James. “Tell him you’re closed.”
James looks at Linden. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing to worry about,” he says and nods at the door. “Let him in. I want a few words.”
“Shit, it’s not going to be one of those nights in here, the ones that never end?” James asks. “Because when they do end, I end up calling the cops.”
But Steph is already up and crossing the bar. She stops at the door, glares at Bram through the glass and then unlocks it.
“What do you want?” she asks him, opening it a crack.
“I need to speak to Nicola,” he says. He looks over her shoulder at me. “Please.”
Linden taps me on the arm. “Go on,” he says. “Talk to him. I’ll have my words after.”
Talking to Bram is the last thing I want to do. The situation can’t get any better. His words have the power to make it even worse. And no matter what happens, what’s done is done and I know things are going to suck for quite some time.
“It’s fine, Steph,” I say to her. I walk over to the door and she reluctantly backs away, her eyes never leaving Bram’s.
“I’m pretty sure we pinky swore on something,” she grumbles and then goes on to join Linden back at the bar.
“Nicola,” Bram says. His eyes are red, filled with worry, mouth twisted bitterly. He looks like shit, like he’s been ravaged by something terrible. But it doesn’t make me feel a thing, not even glad. “I need to explain.” His eyes flit to a booth. “Should we talk inside?”
“No,” I tell him and squeeze myself through the door, taking great pains not to brush up against him in any way. How weird one’s body goes from being a magnet, something you couldn’t stay away from, to being something you can’t imagine touching ever again.

Hasil (Bahasa Indonesia) 1:

Saya ingin runtuh ke tanah, tapi aku berhasil bersandar tinja sebaliknya. Hal ini hanya kemudian saya melihat tiga orang dari kita adalah satu-satunya orang di bar selain James yang sedang berbicara kepada kami lainnya bartender, Sandra, di sudut."Ia dikenal. Oh, ia dikenal. Dia telah dibayangkan sebelumnya. Dia berbicara tentang gadis ini, Taylor ini, sebagai satu-satunya gadis dicintainya, seorang gadis yang ia membuat kesalahan besar dengan. Rasa kesalahan itu adalah Matthew..." Hatiku sakit. "Atau kesalahan yang bisa telah meninggalkan Dia." Aku memejamkan mata dan mengambil napas dalam-dalam dalam melalui hidung. "Orang bodoh sialan kaus kaki.""Maksudmu Nessie yang?" kata Linden.Aku mengangguk. "Aku tidak tahu mengapa dia memakai mereka, ia hanya memanggil mereka beruntung.""Itu adalah apa yang dia katakan kepada saya ketika saya membuat menyenangkan dari mereka.""Apakah dia mendapatkan defensif?""Ya, jenis. "Tetapi ia kadang-kadang tidak ketika Anda benar-benar tidak mengharapkan kepadanya."Aku mengeluarkan napas compang-camping dan duduk di bangku. Kaki saya hanya tidak akan berhenti gemetar. Tak satu pun dari saya akan. Darahku sendiri merasa bingung. "Itu adalah Bram, bukan? Tidak apa Anda tidak mengharapkannya kepadanya. Aku melihat kaus kaki mereka di Matthew. Tidak ada cara yang kebetulan. Dia tahu tentang Matthew dari awal." Kata melewati kepalaku. "Dia mengatakan dia lakukan kepada mereka apa yang Phil lakukan untuk Ava dan saya.""Apa keparat," Steph mengatakan, meletakkannya di tangan pada bahuku. "Saya sangat menyesal, apa yang Anda akan lakukan?"I shrug. “I don’t know. I don’t know. I just ran. I couldn’t be there.”“I don’t blame you,” she says just as James comes by.“What’s going on?” he asks.“Nothing,” Steph says. “But Nicola needs a shot of whisky and fast.”“Make it two,” Linden says quickly. He looks a bit shell-shocked. I guess it can’t be easy knowing you’ve always been an uncle, you just didn’t know it.“And James,” I add in. “If you’re still offering me that assistant manager position, I want it.”He smiles at me as he pours the shot. “Good to hear.” But I don’t smile back.“I guess we should say congratulations,” Steph says softly. “But it just doesn’t seem right, right now. I’m so sorry, Nicola.” She searches my eyes and they become sadder by the second. “I know how much you’re in love with him.”And that’s what really stings. That I love him. That he doesn’t love me. And that this happened. One person’s love isn’t enough to keep two people together, I knew that much already.James hands me the shot and Linden and I down ours at the same time. It burns but not enough. I want it to burn away the gauze over this night.“I’ll have another,” I tell James and then Linden and Steph chime in with their requests.Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door to the bar and we all turn around to see Bram standing on the other side, looking pitiful.“Don’t open it,” I hiss to James. “Tell him you’re closed.”James looks at Linden. “What’s going on?”“Nothing to worry about,” he says and nods at the door. “Let him in. I want a few words.”“Shit, it’s not going to be one of those nights in here, the ones that never end?” James asks. “Because when they do end, I end up calling the cops.”But Steph is already up and crossing the bar. She stops at the door, glares at Bram through the glass and then unlocks it.“What do you want?” she asks him, opening it a crack.“I need to speak to Nicola,” he says. He looks over her shoulder at me. “Please.”Linden taps me on the arm. “Go on,” he says. “Talk to him. I’ll have my words after.”Talking to Bram is the last thing I want to do. The situation can’t get any better. His words have the power to make it even worse. And no matter what happens, what’s done is done and I know things are going to suck for quite some time.“It’s fine, Steph,” I say to her. I walk over to the door and she reluctantly backs away, her eyes never leaving Bram’s.“I’m pretty sure we pinky swore on something,” she grumbles and then goes on to join Linden back at the bar.“Nicola,” Bram says. His eyes are red, filled with worry, mouth twisted bitterly. He looks like shit, like he’s been ravaged by something terrible. But it doesn’t make me feel a thing, not even glad. “I need to explain.” His eyes flit to a booth. “Should we talk inside?”“No,” I tell him and squeeze myself through the door, taking great pains not to brush up against him in any way. How weird one’s body goes from being a magnet, something you couldn’t stay away from, to being something you can’t imagine touching ever again.