There were times in my life when I

There were times in my life when I knew what I was thinking was wrong. Knowing that didn’t make things any easier. Going to a Halloween party shouldn’t have me sitting in my moon chair with a bottle of Tums beside me and a carton of Ben & Jerry’s Rocky Road in my hands. 
A half empty carton of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.
I felt like I was well on my way to becoming the neighborhood cat lady. All I needed was the cats.
Shortly after leaving campus, I had gotten a text from Cam about the party. He wanted me to go. Brit wanted me to go. Jacob wanted me to go. I wanted to go, but….
Groaning, I put the lid on the ice cream and shoved to my feet. I was nineteen years old. Living on my own. I told my mother to suck it and I actually hugged Cam and told him that I missed him. Going to this party shouldn’t be that big of a deal. It was about time that I did something like this. If I didn’t do it now, would I ever do it? 
Probably not.
I put the ice cream away and then moved onto the spray bottle stashed under the sink. Spraying the surface of everything in my kitchen, I started cleaning with a wicked vengeance. 
I could do it.
My heart flopped in my chest and it felt like my stomach had dropped to my feet.
No, I couldn’t.
Scrubbing the counter by the stove, the light reflected off the silver bracelet, catching my attention.  I stopped, unable to look away from something that had become a staple in my every day life. Putting the bottle down and dropping the cloth, I reached out and slid the bracelet off. Turning my arm over, I forced myself to look at the scar. I was ashamed of it, did everything in my power to hide it, but for what? Staying in my apartment, being antisocial and a general loser? Certain things were probably always going be a no go for me or insanely awkward, but going to a fucking party? Was I really that crippled by what happened, that five years later I couldn’t go to one?
I put the bracelet back on as I leaned against the counter. 
I had to do this. I needed to do this. At least try to do this. My heart started its panicked thumping as I pushed off the counter and headed into the living room. I dug my phone out of my bag and before I thought about what I was doing, I opened Cam’s text from earlier and sent Okay.
A few seconds passed and then there was a text back. Incoming. 
“Incoming?” What in the—? 
There was a knock on my door. 
Rolling my eyes, I tossed my phone on the couch and went to the door. “You didn’t have to come over.”
Cam strolled right in, twisting his cap on backward.
“Well, help yourself.”
He stopped near the kitchen and frowned. “Why does your apartment smell like Clorox?”
“I was cleaning.”
A brow went up.
“The whole kitchen,” I said sheepishly. “You know, you could’ve saved yourself the trip and just responded to the text.”
Casting me a long look, he sat on the couch. “I needed the exercise.”
Yeah, he did not need the exercise.
He patted the spot beside me. “Come sit with me.”
I stared.
“Come on.”
Muttering under my breath, I stepped over his legs and sat. “Alright, I’m sitting.”
His lashes lowered, and I felt his gaze over my mouth. Warmth spread across my cheeks, and his grin went up a notch. “So you texted me with the word okay. I’ve asked you two things today. So I’m curious to which one you’re finally agreeing to.”
I pulled my legs up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my knees. “You asked me about the Halloween party tomorrow night.”
“Yes, I did.” He reached over and tugged on my arm until I let go of my knees. “But I asked you something else.”
My eyes narrowed. 
Then he got a hand on the hem of my jeans and pulled my legs away from my chest. “I also asked you out.”
“You know the answer to that.”
He narrowed his eyes.
My lips twitched. “I was saying okay, I’ll go to the party.”
“Smart choice. It’ll be fun and you’ll have a good time.” Once I was apparently sitting to his approval, he sat back. “When do you want me to pick you up?”
I shook my head. “I’m going to drive myself.”
“Why would you do that? We live in the same building and are heading to the same place.”
“Thanks, but I’ll drive.”
He studied me a moment. “If you don’t want to go with me, then at least get a ride with Brittany.”
I said something along the lines of agreeing to that, but I wasn’t planning on that. Taking my own car meant I could leave whenever I wanted to. I needed that lifeline. 
“Hey,” Cam said.
Turning my head toward him, I raised my brows. “Hi.”
“Go out with me.”
I smiled. “Shut up, Cam.”
#
I was so nervous that my phone felt slippery in my hand and my seatbelt felt like it was pressed too tightly against my chest. I was sitting in the parking lot, thirty minutes past the time I should’ve left for the Halloween party at Jase’s house. I’d like to say that I was just being fashionably late, but that was so not the truth.
I was like two steps from a panic attack.
“So, you didn’t get a costume?” Brit said, and over her voice, I could hear music and muffled laughter. “It’s not a big deal. There are lots of people here that aren’t dressed up.”
Well, there went that excuse. After talking to Cam last night, I’d briefly considered the idea of making a last minute run to the store to find a costume, but dressing up would probably be too much. 
“Are you almost here?” Brit asked. “Because I’m lonely—hey!”
A second later, Jacob’s voice came through the phone. “Hey, girl, hey, where you at?”
I closed my eyes. “I’m getting ready to leave.”
“You better, because Brit is getting on my nerves asking for you. So get your ass here.”
“I’m coming. I’ll be there in a little bit.”
Hanging up, I tossed the phone onto the seat next to me and gripped the steering wheel. I can do this. That’s what I kept telling myself as I glanced back up at my apartment. I’d left a light on and it was like a damn beacon right now, coaxing me back to the safety that was pure boredom. 
I was being stupid, totally understood that, but it didn’t change the fact that my heart was thundering in my chest or that I was nauseous. What I was experiencing wasn’t normal to anyone else, and that was the key. I didn’t want this to be normal for me.
“Fuck.”
I needed to be brave.
I knocked the car into reverse and backed out. My arms were trembling by the time I made it to the end of the road and made the left onto Route 45. Jase’s house wasn’t that far from University Heights. Only a few miles, back in a nearby subdivision where several larger frats had taken up residency. 
On the drive to his house, I focused on listing as many constellations I could. Andromeda, Antlia, Apus, Aquarius, Aquila, Ara, Aries, Auriga—who came up with these names? Seriously. I’d made it to the D’s when I spotted the line of cars pouring out of a large three-story home’s driveway. Cars were everywhere, parking along the road, in the yard, and down the street. I had to end up turning around so I could park on the other side of the street, about a block down. 
The night air was chilly and the streets were void of children. Trick or treat had ended about an hour before and there were pieces of dropped candy every few feet. 
Bright light spilled out from the windows, casting a luminous glow along the porch. There were a few people outside, leaning against the railing. Shoving my hands into the pockets of my hoodie, I avoided the garage, where a mean game of beer pong was going down, and through the open front door. 

Hasil (Bahasa Indonesia) 1:

Ada saat-saat dalam hidup saya ketika saya tahu apa yang saya berpikir itu salah. Mengetahui bahwa tidak membuat hal lebih mudah. Pergi ke pesta Halloween seharusnya saya duduk dikursi bulan dengan sebotol Tums sampingku dan sekotak Ben & Jerry's Rocky Road di tanganku. Setengah kosong karton Ben & Jerry's es krim.Aku merasa seperti saya baik dalam perjalanan untuk menjadi wanita kucing lingkungan. Semua saya butuhkan adalah kucing.Tak lama setelah meninggalkan kampus, saya telah mendapat sebuah teks dari Cam tentang partai. Dia ingin aku untuk pergi. Brit ingin aku pergi. Yakub ingin aku pergi. Aku ingin pergi, tapi...Mengerang, aku meletakkan tutup di es krim dan mendorong untuk kaki saya. Saya berusia sembilan belas tahun. Hidup saya sendiri. Saya mengatakan kepada ibuku untuk menghisap itu dan aku benar-benar memeluk Cam dan mengatakan kepadanya bahwa aku merindukan dia. Pergi ke pesta ini tidak boleh begitu besar dari kesepakatan. Itu adalah tentang waktu bahwa aku melakukan sesuatu seperti ini. Jika aku tidak melakukannya sekarang, yang saya bisa melakukannya? Mungkin tidak.Aku menyingkirkan es krim dan kemudian pindah ke botol semprot yang tersimpan di bawah wastafel. Penyemprotan permukaan dari segala sesuatu di dapur, aku mulai pembersihan dengan sepenuh hati orang fasik. Aku bisa melakukannya.Hati saya gagal dalam dadaku dan rasanya seperti perut saya turun menjadi kakiku.Tidak, aku tidak bisa.Menggosok counter oleh kompor, pantulan cahaya dari gelang perak, menangkap perhatian saya. Aku berhenti, tidak mampu untuk melihat jauh dari sesuatu yang telah menjadi pokok dalam kehidupan setiap hari. Meletakkan botol dan menjatuhkan kain, aku mengulurkan tangan dan meluncur gelang dari. Membalik lenganku, aku memaksakan diri untuk melihat bekas luka. Aku malu, melakukan segalanya dalam kekuatan untuk menyembunyikannya, tapi untuk apa? Tinggal di apartemen saya, menjadi antisosial dan pecundang Umum? Hal-hal tertentu mungkin selalu akan menjadi tidak pergi untuk saya atau gila-gilaan canggung, tetapi pergi ke pesta sialan? Apakah saya benar-benar itu dilumpuhkan oleh apa yang terjadi, bahwa lima tahun kemudian aku tidak bisa pergi ke salah satu?Aku meletakkan gelang kembali di saya bersandar counter. Aku harus melakukan hal ini. Aku perlu untuk melakukan hal ini. Pada setidaknya mencoba untuk melakukan hal ini. Hatiku mulai berdebar panik saat aku didorong keluar counter dan menuju ke ruang tamu. Aku menggali telepon saya keluar dari tas saya dan sebelum aku berpikir tentang apa yang saya lakukan, saya membuka Cam teks dari sebelumnya dan dikirim Oke.Beberapa detik berlalu dan kemudian ada kembali teks. Masuk. "Masuk?" Apa di —? Ada ketukan di pintu saya. Bergulir mataku, aku melemparkan telepon saya di sofa dan pergi ke pintu. "Anda tidak perlu datang."Cam berjalan tepat di, memutar topi nya pada mundur."Yah, membantu diri sendiri."Dia berhenti di dekat dapur dan mengerutkan kening. "Mengapa Anda apartemen bau seperti Clorox?"“I was cleaning.”A brow went up.“The whole kitchen,” I said sheepishly. “You know, you could’ve saved yourself the trip and just responded to the text.”Casting me a long look, he sat on the couch. “I needed the exercise.”Yeah, he did not need the exercise.He patted the spot beside me. “Come sit with me.”I stared.“Come on.”Muttering under my breath, I stepped over his legs and sat. “Alright, I’m sitting.”His lashes lowered, and I felt his gaze over my mouth. Warmth spread across my cheeks, and his grin went up a notch. “So you texted me with the word okay. I’ve asked you two things today. So I’m curious to which one you’re finally agreeing to.”I pulled my legs up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my knees. “You asked me about the Halloween party tomorrow night.”“Yes, I did.” He reached over and tugged on my arm until I let go of my knees. “But I asked you something else.”My eyes narrowed. Then he got a hand on the hem of my jeans and pulled my legs away from my chest. “I also asked you out.”“You know the answer to that.”He narrowed his eyes.My lips twitched. “I was saying okay, I’ll go to the party.”“Smart choice. It’ll be fun and you’ll have a good time.” Once I was apparently sitting to his approval, he sat back. “When do you want me to pick you up?”I shook my head. “I’m going to drive myself.”"Mengapa Anda melakukan itu? Kita hidup di gedung yang sama dan sedang menuju ke tempat yang sama.""Terima kasih, tapi aku akan mendorong."Ia belajar saya sejenak. "Jika Anda tidak ingin pergi bersamaku, kemudian setidaknya mendapatkan tumpangan dengan Brittany."Saya mengatakan sesuatu di sepanjang baris setuju untuk itu, tapi aku tidak berencana yang. Mengambil mobil saya sendiri berarti saya bisa pergi setiap kali saya ingin. Aku butuh yang buat. "Hei," Cam mengatakan.Memutar kepala saya ke arahnya, aku mengangkat alis saya. "Hai.""Pergi dengan saya."Aku tersenyum. "Shut up, Cam."#Aku sangat gugup bahwa telepon merasa licin di tanganku dan sabuk pengaman saya merasa seperti itu ditekan terlalu ketat terhadap dadaku. Aku sedang duduk di tempat parkir, tiga puluh menit melewati waktu aku harus sudah meninggalkan untuk pesta Halloween di Jase's house. Saya ingin mengatakan bahwa saya hanya menjadi modis terlambat, tapi itu jadi bukan kebenaran.Saya adalah seperti dua langkah dari serangan panik."Jadi, Anda tidak mendapatkan kostum?" Brit mengatakan, dan alih suaranya, aku bisa mendengar musik dan teredam tawa. "Hal ini tidak besar. Ada banyak orang di sini yang tidak berpakaian."Yah, ada pergi alasan. Setelah berbicara dengan Cam tadi malam, saya akan secara singkat dianggap gagasan membuat menit-menit terakhir lari ke toko untuk menemukan kostum, tapi berdandan mungkin akan terlalu banyak. "Apakah Anda hampir di sini?" Brit bertanya. "Karena aku kesepian-Hei!"Sedetik kemudian, Yakub suara datang melalui telepon. "Hei, gadis, Hei, mana Anda di?"I closed my eyes. “I’m getting ready to leave.”“You better, because Brit is getting on my nerves asking for you. So get your ass here.”“I’m coming. I’ll be there in a little bit.”Hanging up, I tossed the phone onto the seat next to me and gripped the steering wheel. I can do this. That’s what I kept telling myself as I glanced back up at my apartment. I’d left a light on and it was like a damn beacon right now, coaxing me back to the safety that was pure boredom. I was being stupid, totally understood that, but it didn’t change the fact that my heart was thundering in my chest or that I was nauseous. What I was experiencing wasn’t normal to anyone else, and that was the key. I didn’t want this to be normal for me.“Fuck.”I needed to be brave.I knocked the car into reverse and backed out. My arms were trembling by the time I made it to the end of the road and made the left onto Route 45. Jase’s house wasn’t that far from University Heights. Only a few miles, back in a nearby subdivision where several larger frats had taken up residency. On the drive to his house, I focused on listing as many constellations I could. Andromeda, Antlia, Apus, Aquarius, Aquila, Ara, Aries, Auriga—who came up with these names? Seriously. I’d made it to the D’s when I spotted the line of cars pouring out of a large three-story home’s driveway. Cars were everywhere, parking along the road, in the yard, and down the street. I had to end up turning around so I could park on the other side of the street, about a block down. The night air was chilly and the streets were void of children. Trick or treat had ended about an hour before and there were pieces of dropped candy every few feet. Bright light spilled out from the windows, casting a luminous glow along the porch. There were a few people outside, leaning against the railing. Shoving my hands into the pockets of my hoodie, I avoided the garage, where a mean game of beer pong was going down, and through the open front door.