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[Salinan]Disalin!
Several yards off to the side of the finish line, Hanna walked in small circles, then bent down and cupped her hands over her knees.“Holy shit,” she gasped, facing the ground. “I feel amazing. That was amazing.”Volunteers brought us Luna bars and bottles of Gatorade and we gulped them down. I was so fucking proud of her, and I couldn’t hold back from pulling her into a sweaty, breathless hug, kissing the top of her head.“You were amazing.” I closed my eyes, pressing my face to her hair. “Hanna, I am so proud of you.”She froze in my arms and then slid her hands to my side, simply bracing there, her face in my neck. I could feel her inhaling and exhaling, could feel her hands shaking against me. For some reason, I didn’t think it was only the adrenaline from the race.Finally, she whispered, “I think we should go get our things.”I’d oscillated so wildly between confident and wrecked all week, and now that I was with her, I didn’t particularly want to let her out of my sight. We turned to head back toward the tents; with the race snaking through Central Park, the finish line ended up only a few blocks from where we’d started. I listened to her breathing, watched her feet as she walked. I could tell she was exhausted.“I’m guessing you’ve heard about Sara,” she said, looking down and fidgeting with her race number. She pulled out the pins, took it off, and looked at it.“Yeah,” I said, smiling. “Pretty amazing.”“I saw her last night,” she said. “She’s so excited.”“I saw Max on Tuesday.” I swallowed, feeling so fucking nervous all of a sudden. Beside me, Hanna faltered a little. “I went out with the guys that night. He has the expected look of terror and glee.”She laughed, and it was genuine, and soft and—fuck—I’d missed it.“What are you up to after this?” I asked, ducking so she’d look up at me.And when she did, it was there, the something I knew I hadn’t imagined from the weekend before. I could still feel her sliding over me in the dark guest room, could still hear her quiet whisper-beg, Don’t break me.It had been the second time she’d said it, and here I’d been the one left broken.She shrugged and looked away, navigating through the dense crowd as we drew nearer to the starting line tents. Panic started to well in my chest; I wasn’t ready for goodbye yet.“I was probably going to head home and shower. Get some lunch.” She frowned. “Or stop for lunch on the way home. I’m not sure I have anything edible at my place, actually.”“Old shopping habits die hard,” I noted dryly.She gave a guilty wince. “Yeah. I’ve been sort of burying myself in the lab all week. Just . . . good distraction.”Kata-kata keluar terburu-buru, ditekan bersama dengan cara napas saya merasa: "Aku akan benar cinta untuk hang out, dan aku punya barang-barang untuk sandwich, atau salad. Anda bisa datang, atau... " Saya membuntuti off ketika ia berhenti berjalan dan berbalik menghadapi saya, tampak bingung dan kemudian... bersujud.Berkedip pergi, saya merasa dada saya memeras. Aku mencoba untuk memadatkan turun harapan mustahil mencakar ke tenggorokanku. "Apa?" Saya bertanya, terdengar lebih jengkel daripada yang dimaksud. "Mengapa Anda mencari saya seperti itu?"Tersenyum, dia berkata, "Kau mungkin satu-satunya orang yang saya tahu yang terus kulkas diisi dengan begitu baik."Saya merasa saya menarik alis bersama-sama dalam kebingungan. Ini telah menyebabkan ia berhenti berjalan dan menatapku? Cupping bagian belakang leher saya, saya berkata, "Aku mencoba untuk menyimpan barang-barang yang sehat di rumah sehingga aku tidak pergi keluar dan makan sampah."Ia melangkah lebih dekat — cukup dekat untuk merasa longgar untai rambut ketika angin bertiup itu di leher saya. Cukup dekat untuk mencium aroma cahaya keringat nya, mengingat bagaimana sialan menakjubkan yang rasanya untuk membuatnya keringat. Aku menjatuhkan pandangan ke bibirnya, ingin mencium dia begitu banyak itu membuat kulit saya sakit."Saya pikir Anda sedang menakjubkan, akan," katanya, menjilati bibirnya di bawah tekanan perhatian saya. "Dan menghentikan membara pada saya. Ada hanya begitu banyak saya dapat mengambil dari Anda hari ini."Sebelum aku dapat memproses hal ini, dia berbalik dan bergerak menuju perempuan tenda untuk mengambil barangnya. Numbly, aku pergi cara yang berlawanan, untuk mendapatkan kunci rumah saya, saya kaus kaki ekstra dan dokumen-dokumen yang saya telah terbungkus dalam jaket berjalan. Ketika saya bangkit, dia sedang menunggu saya, memegang tas ransel kecil."Jadi," saya mulai, berjuang untuk menjaga jarak saya. "Anda datang?""Saya benar-benar harus mandi..." katanya, tampak melewati saya dan di jalan yang dipimpin, akhirnya, untuk membangun dirinya."Anda dapat mandi di tempat saya..." Saya tidak peduli bagaimana aku terdengar. Aku tidak membiarkan dia pergi. Aku merindukan dia. Malam telah hampir tak tertahankan, tapi anehnya, pagi hari telah yang terburuk. Aku rindu percakapan nya terengah-engah dan bagaimana itu akan akhirnya jatuh menjadi irama disinkronisasi kaki kami di trotoar."Dan meminjam beberapa pakaian bersih?" Dia bertanya, mengenakan senyum menggoda.Aku mengangguk tanpa ragu-ragu. "Ya."Senyumnya memudar ketika dia melihat aku serius."Datang, Hanna. Hanya untuk makan siang, aku berjanji."Mengangkat tangannya ke dahinya untuk memblokir matahari, dia belajar wajahku untuk mengalahkan lagi. "Anda yakin?"Alih-alih menjawab, aku miring kepalaku, beralih ke kaki. Ia jatuh ke dalam langkah samping saya, dan setiap kali jari-jari kita sengaja brushed, saya ingin menarik tangannya ke saya dan kemudian tarik dia kepadaku, menekan dia terhadap pohon terdekat.She’d been her old, playful self for those short, euphoric moments, but quiet Hanna reappeared as we walked the dozen or so blocks back to my building. I held the door for her as we stepped inside, slipped past her to push the up button for the elevator, and then stood close enough to feel the press of her arm along mine as we waited. At least three times I could hear her suck in a breath, start to speak, but then she would look at her shoes, at her fingernails, at the doors to the elevator. Anywhere but at my face.Upstairs, my wide-open kitchen seemed to shrink under the tension between us, caused by the residue from the horrible conversation on Tuesday night, the hundreds of unspoken things from today, the simmering force that was always there. I handed her a blue Powerade because it was her favorite, and poured myself a glass of water, turning to watch her lips, her throat, her hand around the bottle as she took a deep drink.You’re so fucking beautiful, I didn’t say.I love you so much, I didn’t say.When she put the bottle down on the counter, her expression was full of all the things she wasn’t saying, either. I could tell they were there, but had no idea what those things might be.Seperti yang kita rehydrated dalam keheningan, saya tidak bisa membantu tetapi mencoba untuk diam-diam memeriksa dia keluar. Tapi kerahasiaan yang terbuang. Aku bisa melihat bibir curl ke senyum mengetahui ketika perhatian saya pindah di atas wajah, dagunya, dan ke kulit berkilauan masih dadanya, tanda-tanda payudaranya terlihat di bawah bra olahraga minim-ass — bercinta. Aku begitu jauh telah berhasil untuk menghindari melihat langsung di dadanya, dan sekarang menarik sakit akrab melalui saya. Dadanya tempat saya bahagia, dan aku ingin untuk duduk dan tekan wajahku ada.Saya mengerang, menggosok mataku. Sudah gagasan buruk mengundang dia di sini. Aku ingin untuk menanggalkan pakaian dia, masih berkeringat, dan merasa slide nya di atas saya.Sama seperti aku menunjuk bahu saya ke kamar mandi dan bertanya, "Apakah Anda ingin pertama kamar mandi?" Hanna miring nya kepala dan tersenyum, bertanya, "Apakah Anda hanya melihat dada saya?"Dan karena kemudahan, kenyamanan, keintiman sialan pertanyaan, kemarahan berkobar di darah saya. "Hanna, tidak," Aku sedikit keluar. "Jangan gadis yang memainkan permainan kepala. Hampir seminggu yang lalu Anda pada dasarnya mengatakan kepada saya untuk tersesat." Saya tidak berharap untuk keluar seperti itu, dan di dapur tenang, nada marah saya terpental sekitar dan mengelilingi kami.Dia pucat, mencari hancur. "Saya minta maaf," ia berbisik."Bercinta," saya mengerang, meremas mataku tertutup. "Jangan Maaf hanya tidak..." Aku membuka mata saya untuk melihat dia. "Jangan bermain game dengan saya."“I’m not trying to,” she said, quiet urgency making her voice thin and hoarse. “I’m sorry I disappeared last week. I’m sorry I acted so horribly. I thought . . .”I pulled out a kitchen stool, sinking down onto it. Running a half marathon didn’t exhaust me as much as all of this did. My love for her was a heavy, pulsing, living thing, and it made me feel crazy, and anxious, and famished. I hated seeing her stressed and scared. I hated seeing her upset at my anger, but even worse was the knowledge that she had the power to break my heart and had very little experience being careful about it. I was completely at her fumbling, inexperienced mercy.“I miss you,” she said.My chest tightened. “I miss you so much, Hanna. You have no idea. But I heard what you said on Tuesday. If you don’t want this, then we have to find a way to be friends again. Asking me if I’m checking out your chest doesn’t help us move past all of this.”“I’m sorry,” she said, again. “Will . . .” she started and then the words fell away and she blinked down to her shoes.I needed to understand what had happened, why everything had crumbled so abruptly after we’d made wildly intimate love only one week ago.“That night,” I started, and then reconsidered. “No, Hanna, every night—it was always intense like that with us—but that night last weekend . . . I thought it all kind of changed. We changed. Then the next day? And the drive back? Fuck, I don’t even know what happened.”She moved closer, close enough for me to pull her by her hips to stand between my legs, but I didn’t, and her hands fumbled at her sides before falling still.
“What happened was I heard what you said to Jensen,” she said. “I knew there were other women in your life, but I kind of thought that you had ended things with them. I know I’d avoided talking about it, and that it wasn’t fair of me to want that, but I thought you had.”
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