I know that now. I was in denial. I

I know that now. I was in denial. I was angry. I was hoping for a miracle, I guess. I don't know. The days turned into weeks, then months. Now we're here. I started Chemotherapy again three weeks ago."
 
"That's good, right? If they're giving you chemo then there's a chance it'll go away."
 
She shakes her head. "It's not to fight it, Lake. It's to manage my pain. It's all they can do now."
 
I drop my head in my hands and cry. It's amazing how many tears one person can have. One night after my father died, I had cried so much I started to become paranoid I was doing damage to my eyes, so I googled it. I googled 'can a person cry too much?' Apparently, everyone eventually falls asleep and stops crying in order for their bodies to process normal periods of rest. So no, you can't cry too much.
 
I grab a tissue and take a few deep breaths in an attempt to hold back the rest of my tears. I'm really sick of crying.
 
I feel my mother's arms go around me so I turn into her and hug her. My heart aches for her. For us. She eventually starts coughing and has to turn away. I watch her as she continues to cough, gasping for breath. She's so sick. How did I not notice? Her cheeks were even shallower than before. Her hair is thinner. I hardly recognize her. I've been so focused on my own misery that I haven't even noticed my own mother being swept away right before my eyes.
 
The coughing spell passes and my mother returns to her seat at the bar. "We'll tell Kel tonight. Brenda will be here at seven, she wants to be here since she'll be his guardian."
 
I laugh. Because she's joking. Right?
 
"What do you mean his guardian?"
 
"Lake. You're still in high school, soon you'll be in college. I don't expect you to give everything up. I don't want you to. Brenda has raised children before. She wants to do it. Kel likes her."
 
Of all the things I have been through this year. This moment, these words that have just come out of her mouth-I have never been more enraged.
 
I stand up and grip the back of the chair and throw it to the floor with such force that the seat comes loose from the base. She flinches as I sprint toward her, pointing my finger into her chest.
 
"She is NOT getting Kel! You are not giving her MY brother!" I scream so loud my throat burns.
 
She attempts to subdue me by putting her hands on my shoulders but I spin away from her.
 
"Lake, stop it! Stop this! You're still in high school! You haven't even started college yet, what do you expect me to do? We've got no one else," she walks after me as I head for the front door. "I've got no one else, Lake," she cries.
 
I open the door and swing around to her, ignoring her tears as I continue to scream.
 
"You aren't telling him tonight! He doesn’t need to know yet. You better not tell him!"
 
"We have to tell him. He needs to know," she says. She's following me down the driveway now. I keep walking.
 
"Go home, Mother! Just go home! I'm done talking about it! And if you ever want to see me again, you WILL NOT TELL HIM!"
 
I hear her sobs fade as I slam the door to Will's living room behind me. I run to his bedroom and throw myself on the bed. I don't just cry; I sob, I wail, I scream.
 
***
 
I've never used drugs before. If you don't count the sip of my mother's wine when I was fourteen, I've never even willingly had alcohol before. It's not that I was too afraid, or too straight laced. Honestly, I'd just never been offered anything. I never went to parties in Texas. I never spent the night with anyone who ever tried to coerce me into doing something illegal. I have frankly just never been in a situation where I could succumb to peer pressure. I spent my Friday nights at football games. Saturday nights my dad usually took us out to a movie and to dinner. Sunday I did homework. That was my life.
 
There was one exception when Kerris' cousin had a wedding and she invited me to go. I was sixteen, she just got her license and the reception had just ended. We stayed late to help clean up. We were having the best time. We drank punch, ate leftover cake, danced, drank more punch. We realized pretty quickly that someone had laced the punch when we both noticed how much fun we were having. I don't know how much of it we drank. Too much that we were already too drunk to stop when we noticed we were even drunk. We never even thought twice when we got in the car to go home. We got a mile down the road before she swerved and hit a tree. I got a laceration above my eye and she broke her arm. We both ended up being okay. In fact, the car was still drivable. Rather than do the smart thing and wait for help, we turned the car around and actually drove back to the reception to call my dad. The trouble we got into the next day is a different story.
 
But there was a moment, right before she hit the tree. We were laughing at the way she said 'bubble'. We just kept saying it over and over until the car started to glide off of the road.

Hasil (Bahasa Indonesia) 1:

Aku tahu bahwa sekarang. Aku berada di penyangkalan. Aku sedang marah. Saya berharap untuk mukjizat, kurasa. Saya tidak tahu. Hari-hari berubah menjadi minggu, kemudian bulan. Sekarang kita di sini. Aku mulai kemoterapi lagi tiga minggu yang lalu." "Itu baik, kanan? Jika mereka memberikan Anda kemo maka ada kesempatan itu akan pergi." Ia menggeleng. "Ini adalah tidak untuk melawannya, danau. Hal ini untuk mengelola rasa sakit. Itu adalah semua yang mereka bisa lakukan sekarang." Aku menjatuhkan kepalaku di tangan saya dan menangis. It's amazing berapa banyak air mata seseorang dapat memiliki. Satu malam setelah ayah saya meninggal, saya telah menangis jadi aku mulai menjadi paranoid saya melakukan kerusakan untuk mata saya, jadi saya googled itu. Aku googled 'bisa menangis orang terlalu banyak?" Rupanya, semua orang akhirnya jatuh tertidur dan berhenti menangis agar tubuh mereka untuk proses normal periode istirahat. Tidak Anda tidak bisa menangis terlalu banyak. Saya ambil tisu dan mengambil beberapa napas dalam dalam upaya untuk menahan sisa mataku. Aku benar-benar muak menangis. Saya merasa ibuku lengan pergi di sekitar saya jadi saya mengubah ke dia dan memeluknya. Hatiku sakit untuknya. Bagi kami. Dia akhirnya mulai batuk dan telah berpaling. Aku menonton dia ketika ia terus batuk, terengah-engah. Dia begitu muak. Bagaimana saya tidak melihat? Pipinya yang bahkan dangkal daripada sebelumnya. Rambutnya tipis. Saya hampir tidak mengakui dirinya. Saya telah begitu terfokus pada penderitaan saya sendiri bahwa aku bahkan belum melihat ibuku tersapu tepat di depan mataku. Mantra batuk melewati dan ibu saya kembali ke kursinya di bar. "Kami akan memberitahu Kel malam ini. Brenda akan berada di sini di tujuh, ia ingin berada di sini karena dia akan menjadi wali-nya." Aku tertawa. Karena dia adalah bercanda. Kan? "Apa maksudmu wali-nya?" "Danau. Kau masih di SMA, Anda akan segera di perguruan tinggi. Aku tidak mengharapkan Anda untuk menyerah segalanya. Aku tidak ingin kau. Brenda telah mengangkat anak-anak sebelum. Dia ingin melakukannya. Kel suka padanya." Dari semua hal yang saya telah melalui tahun ini. Saat ini, kata-kata yang telah datang dari mulut-Nya-aku tidak pernah menjadi lebih marah. Saya berdiri dan pegangan belakang kursi dan membuangnya ke lantai dengan kekuatan kursi datang longgar dari dasar. Dia flinches sebagai aku berlari ke arah dia, menunjuk jari saya ke dadanya. "Dia tidak mendapatkan Kel! Anda tidak memberikan kakaknya MY!" Aku menjerit terlalu keras sehingga saya luka bakar tenggorokan. Dia berusaha untuk menundukkan saya dengan meletakkan tangannya di pundak saya tapi aku berputar menjauhinya. "Danau, menghentikannya! Menghentikan ini! Kau masih di SMA! Anda bahkan belum mulai kuliah namun, apa yang Anda harapkan saya lakukan? Kami punya tidak ada orang lain,"dia berjalan setelah aku saat aku kepala untuk pintu depan. "Aku tidak seorangpun, Danau," dia menangis. Aku membuka pintu dan ayunan di sekitar kepadanya, mengabaikan matanya ketika saya terus berteriak. "Kau tidak mengatakan dia malam ini! Dia tidak perlu tahu. Anda lebih baik tidak mengatakan kepadanya!" "Kita harus katakan padanya. Dia perlu tahu,"katanya. Ia yang mengikuti aku menyusuri jalan sekarang. Aku terus berjalan. "Pergi rumah, ibu! Hanya pulang! Aku selesai berbicara tentang hal itu! Dan jika Anda pernah ingin melihat saya lagi, Anda tidak akan memberitahu dia!" I hear her sobs fade as I slam the door to Will's living room behind me. I run to his bedroom and throw myself on the bed. I don't just cry; I sob, I wail, I scream. *** I've never used drugs before. If you don't count the sip of my mother's wine when I was fourteen, I've never even willingly had alcohol before. It's not that I was too afraid, or too straight laced. Honestly, I'd just never been offered anything. I never went to parties in Texas. I never spent the night with anyone who ever tried to coerce me into doing something illegal. I have frankly just never been in a situation where I could succumb to peer pressure. I spent my Friday nights at football games. Saturday nights my dad usually took us out to a movie and to dinner. Sunday I did homework. That was my life. There was one exception when Kerris' cousin had a wedding and she invited me to go. I was sixteen, she just got her license and the reception had just ended. We stayed late to help clean up. We were having the best time. We drank punch, ate leftover cake, danced, drank more punch. We realized pretty quickly that someone had laced the punch when we both noticed how much fun we were having. I don't know how much of it we drank. Too much that we were already too drunk to stop when we noticed we were even drunk. We never even thought twice when we got in the car to go home. We got a mile down the road before she swerved and hit a tree. I got a laceration above my eye and she broke her arm. We both ended up being okay. In fact, the car was still drivable. Rather than do the smart thing and wait for help, we turned the car around and actually drove back to the reception to call my dad. The trouble we got into the next day is a different story. But there was a moment, right before she hit the tree. We were laughing at the way she said 'bubble'. We just kept saying it over and over until the car started to glide off of the road.