“Why did you never tell us, Lex?” C

“Why did you never tell us, Lex?” Cass asked, her usual belligerent persona reduced to a timid little girl.
“I have fought this for so long that when I came to school, I wanted to make friends that didn’t know about my past.”
“We understand, sweetie,” Molly said and laid a kiss to the back of my hand. “But why didn’t you ever tell us about Daisy? About losing and grieving for your best friend?”
Shrugging, I lowered my eyes and said, “Daisy and I met in my hospital. We were both sixteen. She was as close to me as a sister. Hell, for years, she was my entire world. She understood what living with this disorder was like. We could build each other up, but we could tear each other down. We would support each other not eating, even encourage each other to starve. When she died, I just didn’t know how to deal with this illness alone… and I didn’t wanna burden you guys with my pain. I guess I thought that by throwing myself into cheerleading again, it could distract me. Help me… I was wrong.”
“You know we’re there for you whenever, forever, don’t you?” Cass said through her tight throat.
Clearing my clogged throat, I said, “I do now… I do now.”
“And how did you get like this?” Ally asked. “How did you become… like this?”
I closed my eyes, just remembering that day. “I was cheering at school, and a guy I liked played for the football team. After the game, we were all stood around and he came up to me and said, ‘You need to cut down on the chocolate, Lex. You’re starting to get fat on your back.’” I opened my eyes and took a deep breath. “It was as simple as that. One throwaway comment changed my entire life. I went home that night mortified and told my momma I didn’t feel well and skipped my dinner. Five months later, I was hospitalized for severe anorexia nervosa and didn’t cheer again… until this past year.” I sighed and shook my head. “Guess I thought I was stronger than I actually was.”
I looked at the supportive faces of my best friends and said, “Although I acted as though I was this fun-loving girl around y’all, it didn’t mean I didn’t trust you. The fake persona, the gothic makeup, it was about my not having dealt with my disorder. It was my mask, my shield. It didn’t mean I didn’t love you. That I didn’t cherish your friendship.”
“The tears of a clown,” Molly said sadly in response. I closed my eyes. She got exactly what I was trying to explain.
“What the hell does that mean?” Cass said in her usual boisterous manner.
“Clowns paint expressions on their faces with makeup, don’t they? And we all know those expressions aren’t real, the painted on tears, for example. We all know he’s not really crying, that the tears are fake. No one can see the real face underneath the clown’s mask. He plays the part we expect because of his makeup: sad, happy, funny, etcetera. He disguises his true personality from the world. His makeup hides who he really is… Thus, the tears of a clown.”
Cass’s eyes welled with tears and she turned her attention back to me. “So if you’re not the fun and giggly Lexi we all know, if that was your clown’s mask… who are you?”
“I-I d-don’t know. I’ve been pretending for so long, I guess I’m still trying to work that out myself. I’ve changed too much to be the Lexi of my youth, and this disorder has defined me for so long that I’ve lost sense of the real me.”
Cass nodded and threw me a playful wink. “Then we’re gonna have a shitload of fun peeling back the layers and finding out who you are, Sexy Lexi!”
For the first time in a very long time, a free and genuine giggle came out of my mouth.
“We’re just happy you’re doing better,” Ally added, playfully shaking her head at Cass as she patted my hand.
Cass snorted a watery laugh. “Of course she’s gonna get better. She’s managed to get her hooks into Carillo, who’s friggin’ crazy about her. That guy is sin on sticks! Woof!”
The four of us paused and darted our glances to each other before bursting out in giggles.
It felt good to laugh. It felt good to embrace life.
Two days had passed since Austin had brought me back to him, and I felt a little stronger. I’d restarted my sessions with Dr. Lund, and hopefully, I could get things back on track slowly but surely.
I’d been praying nightly, begging for the strength to see it through.
I don’t want to die, I would plead. I want Austin’s dream for us to come true.
“We’ve missed you so much, Lex,” Molly said, and she sniffed back her wrought emotions.
“Promise us you’ll speak to us if you feel down again. And I want that promise in blood if at all possible.” I looked over to Cass and tried to promise her by crossing my weak fingers. The four of us sat in silence for a moment, enjoying our closeness.
A knock on the door sounded, and Rome entered, his face desolate and his attention on me. “It’s time.”
My good feeling soon faded, and I instantly tried to sit up, but I immediately fell back down.
“Whoa, girl! What you doing?” Cass said in panic, and my friends all jumped up, trying to usher me back down to the bed.
I held out my hand. “No! Austin needs me. I can’t let him go through this alone.”
Molly looked to Rome, who nodded his head. “Give me a minute.” With that, he exited the door, only to return minutes later with a wheelchair and a nurse, who immediately began unhooking me from the IV machine and attaching the bag to the back of the wheelchair.
Moving toward me, Rome asked, “Am I okay to lift you into the chair?”
Fighting the usual panic at someone touching me, especially my back, I quickly nodded, and as Rome lifted me in his arms and placed me in the chair, I held my breath and closed my eyes.
This was for Austin.
For Levi…
For Chiara.
I just had to get to Austin.
“You sure you’re strong enough for this, darlin’?” Ally asked, and I nodded as Cass began to push me down the hallway to Austin’s momma’s room. Pausing outside the door, I nodded to Rome to open it.
Cass rolled me in, and I immediately saw Levi and Austin on either side of the bed, both distraught and each clutching their mamma’s limp hands as the doctor stood at the head of the bed.
Austin’s eyes shot to mine and his face contorted in pain. He slid off the bed and raced to me, kneeling on the floor, placing his head in my lap. Tiredly lifting my hand, I ran my fingers through his dark, messy hair.
“I don’t think I can do this, Pix,” he said through a thick throat.
Fighting back my own tears, I said, “Yes, you can, baby. You need to be strong.” As I looked up, I saw Levi at the side of his mamma’s narrow bed, looking completely lost as he sat there alone.
Holding out my hand, I smiled at Levi, who swallowed in response. “Come here, sweetie,” I said.
Levi took a hesitant step before stopping and asking, “Are… are you okay now, Lex? Are you still starving yourself? You look so thin…”
Resisting a laugh at his blunt words, I whispered, “I will be, sweetie. I will be…”
Levi then gripped onto my hand as though I were his source of strength, his fingers shaking against mine.
Austin lifted his head when the doctor cleared his throat. “Austin, Levi, your mamma’s heart rate is slowing now. It’s time to say good-bye.”
Austin looked up at me, and I let go of Levi’s hand. Austin stood and, taking Levi by the hand, led him to the bed.
Austin’s free hand jutted out beside him, reaching for me, and Rome rolled me to him as the rest of our friends stood along the back wall, silent and respectful.
“Wait!” Austin said brokenly and fished into his pocket for his iPhone. Confused, I watched what he was doing. Pressing play on a song from his playlist, he placed the phone beside his mamma’s head.
“Ave Maria” began playing softly through the phone, and Austin looked sadly at his mamma’s serene face. “She never sleeps right without it playing. It always makes her smile… and you should always meet the sandman smiling.”
I fought hard to not break down at that gut-wrenching act.
“Lev, say good-bye to Mamma, kid,” Austin said gruffly, trying to be strong, and Levi inched closer to his mamma and laid a soft kiss on her cheek.
“Dio ti benedica, Mamma. Ti voglio bene.”
Levi moved back and Austin went next. Levi was crying now, and I pushed out my hand and took his, bringing him back to stand beside me.
“Mamma…” Austin cried, and the doctor stepped forward, pressing a hand on his back.
“You have about a minute, son.”
Austin nodded and, moving his iPhone closer, said, “Axe ain’t here right now, Mamma. But he would want me to tell you he loved you. Everything he ever did was for us. I get that now, even if he did have a damn funny way of showing it. I hope one day you’ll be proud of him.” He took a shuddering breath as the heart monitor began to slow to a frightening speed, a harrowing countdown to the end of Chiara Carillo’s life.
“You were too good for this life, Mamma. You’ve always belonged in heaven. You belong up there with the angels and away from this shit life.” Austin broke on a pained cry, and I squeezed his hand in mine and couldn’t help but sob along with him.
Leaning forward, Austin brushed his mamma’s brown hair back, just as Andrea Bocelli hit a crescendo and the heart monitor rang out in one long, continuous beep, telling us all that Chiara Carillo had passed.
As the doctor turned off the monitor and silence filled the room, Austin pressed a kiss to her head and whispered for the final time, “Buona notte, e dormi bene, mia cara. Ti voglio bene.”
Goodnight and sleep well, my darling. I love you.

Hasil (Bahasa Indonesia) 1:

"Mengapa Anda tidak pernah mengatakan kepada kita, Lex?" Cass bertanya, persona berperang biasa nya dikurangi menjadi seorang gadis kecil yang pemalu."Saya telah berjuang ini begitu lama bahwa ketika saya datang ke sekolah, saya ingin membuat teman-teman yang tidak tahu tentang masa laluku.""Kami mengerti, sayang," Molly mengatakan dan meletakkan ciuman punggung tangan saya. "Tapi kenapa tidak Anda pernah memberitahu kami tentang Daisy? Tentang kehilangan dan berduka untuk teman terbaik Anda?"Mengangkat bahu, aku menurunkan mataku dan berkata, "Daisy dan aku bertemu di rumah sakit saya. Kami adalah kedua enam belas. Dia adalah sebagai dekat dengan saya sebagai seorang suster. Neraka, selama bertahun-tahun, dia adalah seluruh dunia saya. Dia mengerti apa hidup dengan gangguan ini adalah seperti. Kita bisa membangun satu sama lain, tetapi kita bisa saling air mata turun. Kami akan mendukung satu sama lain tidak makan, bahkan mendorong satu sama lain untuk kelaparan. Ketika dia meninggal, aku hanya tidak tahu bagaimana menghadapi penyakit ini sendirian... dan aku tidak mau membebani kalian dengan rasa sakit. Saya kira saya pikir bahwa dengan melemparkan diri menjadi pemandu sorak lagi, itu bisa mengalihkan perhatian saya. Tolong aku... Aku sudah salah.""Anda tahu kami berada di sana untuk Anda kapan saja, selamanya, Jangan kau?" Cass berkata melalui tenggorokannya ketat.Kliring tenggorokan saya tersumbat, aku berkata, "saya lakukan sekarang... Saya lakukan sekarang.""Dan bagaimana kau bisa seperti ini?" Sekutu bertanya. "Bagaimana Anda menjadi... seperti ini?"I closed my eyes, just remembering that day. “I was cheering at school, and a guy I liked played for the football team. After the game, we were all stood around and he came up to me and said, ‘You need to cut down on the chocolate, Lex. You’re starting to get fat on your back.’” I opened my eyes and took a deep breath. “It was as simple as that. One throwaway comment changed my entire life. I went home that night mortified and told my momma I didn’t feel well and skipped my dinner. Five months later, I was hospitalized for severe anorexia nervosa and didn’t cheer again… until this past year.” I sighed and shook my head. “Guess I thought I was stronger than I actually was.”I looked at the supportive faces of my best friends and said, “Although I acted as though I was this fun-loving girl around y’all, it didn’t mean I didn’t trust you. The fake persona, the gothic makeup, it was about my not having dealt with my disorder. It was my mask, my shield. It didn’t mean I didn’t love you. That I didn’t cherish your friendship.”“The tears of a clown,” Molly said sadly in response. I closed my eyes. She got exactly what I was trying to explain.“What the hell does that mean?” Cass said in her usual boisterous manner.“Clowns paint expressions on their faces with makeup, don’t they? And we all know those expressions aren’t real, the painted on tears, for example. We all know he’s not really crying, that the tears are fake. No one can see the real face underneath the clown’s mask. He plays the part we expect because of his makeup: sad, happy, funny, etcetera. He disguises his true personality from the world. His makeup hides who he really is… Thus, the tears of a clown.”Cass’s eyes welled with tears and she turned her attention back to me. “So if you’re not the fun and giggly Lexi we all know, if that was your clown’s mask… who are you?”“I-I d-don’t know. I’ve been pretending for so long, I guess I’m still trying to work that out myself. I’ve changed too much to be the Lexi of my youth, and this disorder has defined me for so long that I’ve lost sense of the real me.”Cass nodded and threw me a playful wink. “Then we’re gonna have a shitload of fun peeling back the layers and finding out who you are, Sexy Lexi!”For the first time in a very long time, a free and genuine giggle came out of my mouth.“We’re just happy you’re doing better,” Ally added, playfully shaking her head at Cass as she patted my hand.Cass snorted a watery laugh. “Of course she’s gonna get better. She’s managed to get her hooks into Carillo, who’s friggin’ crazy about her. That guy is sin on sticks! Woof!”The four of us paused and darted our glances to each other before bursting out in giggles.It felt good to laugh. It felt good to embrace life.Two days had passed since Austin had brought me back to him, and I felt a little stronger. I’d restarted my sessions with Dr. Lund, and hopefully, I could get things back on track slowly but surely.I’d been praying nightly, begging for the strength to see it through.I don’t want to die, I would plead. I want Austin’s dream for us to come true.“We’ve missed you so much, Lex,” Molly said, and she sniffed back her wrought emotions.“Promise us you’ll speak to us if you feel down again. And I want that promise in blood if at all possible.” I looked over to Cass and tried to promise her by crossing my weak fingers. The four of us sat in silence for a moment, enjoying our closeness.A knock on the door sounded, and Rome entered, his face desolate and his attention on me. “It’s time.”My good feeling soon faded, and I instantly tried to sit up, but I immediately fell back down.“Whoa, girl! What you doing?” Cass said in panic, and my friends all jumped up, trying to usher me back down to the bed.I held out my hand. “No! Austin needs me. I can’t let him go through this alone.”Molly looked to Rome, who nodded his head. “Give me a minute.” With that, he exited the door, only to return minutes later with a wheelchair and a nurse, who immediately began unhooking me from the IV machine and attaching the bag to the back of the wheelchair.Moving toward me, Rome asked, “Am I okay to lift you into the chair?”Fighting the usual panic at someone touching me, especially my back, I quickly nodded, and as Rome lifted me in his arms and placed me in the chair, I held my breath and closed my eyes.This was for Austin.For Levi…For Chiara.I just had to get to Austin.“You sure you’re strong enough for this, darlin’?” Ally asked, and I nodded as Cass began to push me down the hallway to Austin’s momma’s room. Pausing outside the door, I nodded to Rome to open it.Cass rolled me in, and I immediately saw Levi and Austin on either side of the bed, both distraught and each clutching their mamma’s limp hands as the doctor stood at the head of the bed.Austin’s eyes shot to mine and his face contorted in pain. He slid off the bed and raced to me, kneeling on the floor, placing his head in my lap. Tiredly lifting my hand, I ran my fingers through his dark, messy hair.“I don’t think I can do this, Pix,” he said through a thick throat.Fighting back my own tears, I said, “Yes, you can, baby. You need to be strong.” As I looked up, I saw Levi at the side of his mamma’s narrow bed, looking completely lost as he sat there alone.Holding out my hand, I smiled at Levi, who swallowed in response. “Come here, sweetie,” I said.Levi took a hesitant step before stopping and asking, “Are… are you okay now, Lex? Are you still starving yourself? You look so thin…”Resisting a laugh at his blunt words, I whispered, “I will be, sweetie. I will be…”
Levi then gripped onto my hand as though I were his source of strength, his fingers shaking against mine.
Austin lifted his head when the doctor cleared his throat. “Austin, Levi, your mamma’s heart rate is slowing now. It’s time to say good-bye.”
Austin looked up at me, and I let go of Levi’s hand. Austin stood and, taking Levi by the hand, led him to the bed.
Austin’s free hand jutted out beside him, reaching for me, and Rome rolled me to him as the rest of our friends stood along the back wall, silent and respectful.
“Wait!” Austin said brokenly and fished into his pocket for his iPhone. Confused, I watched what he was doing. Pressing play on a song from his playlist, he placed the phone beside his mamma’s head.
“Ave Maria” began playing softly through the phone, and Austin looked sadly at his mamma’s serene face. “She never sleeps right without it playing. It always makes her smile… and you should always meet the sandman smiling.”
I fought hard to not break down at that gut-wrenching act.
“Lev, say good-bye to Mamma, kid,” Austin said gruffly, trying to be strong, and Levi inched closer to his mamma and laid a soft kiss on her cheek.
“Dio ti benedica, Mamma. Ti voglio bene.”
Levi moved back and Austin went next. Levi was crying now, and I pushed out my hand and took his, bringing him back to stand beside me.
“Mamma…” Austin cried, and the doctor stepped forward, pressing a hand on his back.
“You have about a minute, son.”
Austin nodded and, moving his iPhone closer, said, “Axe ain’t here right now, Mamma. But he would want me to tell you he loved you. Everything he ever did was for us. I get that now, even if he did have a damn funny way of showing it. I hope one day you’ll be proud of him.” He took a shuddering breath as the heart monitor began to slow to a frightening speed, a harrowing countdown to the end of Chiara Carillo’s life.
“You were too good for this life, Mamma. You’ve always belonged in heaven. You belong up there with the angels and away from this shit life.” Austin broke on a pained cry, and I squeezed his hand in mine and couldn’t help but sob along with him.
Leaning forward, Austin brushed his mamma’s brown hair back, just as Andrea Bocelli hit a crescendo and the heart monitor rang out in one long, continuous beep, telling us all that Chiara Carillo had passed.
As the doctor turned off the monitor and silence filled the room, Austin pressed a kiss to her head and whispered for the final time, “Buona notte, e dormi bene, mia cara. Ti voglio bene.”
Goodnight and sleep well, my darling. I love you.