“You know, I don’t think I ever tol

“You know, I don’t think I ever told you how sorry I am.”
I hear Taylor’s voice from across the table but I’m not really listening. There’s a song playing in this San Bernardino strip-mall café, the volume too low and it’s bugging me that I can recognize the beat but I can’t hear the lyrics.
“Bram,” she says softly and finally I look at her.
“Hmmm?”
“I’m sorry about the way things happened with Nicola,” she says and that name feels like a fist in my heart. “I shouldn’t have shown up at your door like that. I didn’t think that…”
“You didn’t think that I’d have anyone meaningful in my life,” I finish absently. I twirl the watch around my wrist and give a melancholy shrug. “I don’t blame you. And please, there’s no need for you to be sorry. I’m sure I had it coming. Karma has a sharp eye, you know.”
She nods. “I know. But it’s been so many years and…I really didn’t have the right to show up like I did.”
I sigh. She says this but I know she thinks its justified and she’s probably right. When someone has been wronged– when someone else has fucked up so much that their debt will never end – there’s really nothing they can do that’s ever uncalled for, ever too much.
I don’t blame Taylor whatsoever. She was watching the news and suddenly there I was, the baby daddy she tried so hard to forget. She doesn’t tell me this, but I bet she wanted to throw rocks at her TV, perhaps burn it. She at least screamed and cursed it, I know that.
Then motherly instinct took over and she piled Matthew into the car and drove up to San Francisco to see the man she tried to pretend never existed.
I know she only came for the money, though she tells me that wasn’t the case. She said it was about seeing me through new eyes. I was successful and ambitious and, more than that, I was virtuous now. I was the opposite of the man she hated. I had proven that I could get my life on track and actually make a difference in other people’s lives, not just my own.
And maybe that’s true. But at the moment, I’m not making that much difference. I still have the same tenants in my building, the same ones who can’t afford to live anywhere else, the ones that need me. I’ve got all but two…the most important ones.
Nicola moved out the next day, true to her word. I tried to stop her. I tried everything. She wouldn’t have any of it. I’d never seen her so headstrong, so vicious, and I know I deserved it but it hurt more than anything else. She was protecting Ava more than she was protecting herself and when I caught a glimpse of that little girl crying in the halls, well…I lost it that day.
I lost plenty that day.
And the loss is still with me. It’s building, not easing. Every morning, I wake up to an empty bed and it’s like another fucking black brick is cemented into my chest. Nicola has absolutely no idea what she meant to me – what she still means to me – and what hurts the most is that she’ll never see my pain.
I need her to see it, to feel it, to know it.
I’ve lost the magic in my life.
“You’re a good man, Bram,” Taylor says.
I let out a dry laugh and raise my brow at her. “Are you sure there isn’t a splash of booze in your coffee?”
She gives me a quick smile. “You’re a good man now. And maybe you were back then, deep down. I certainly thought so. You know I was madly in love with you, Bram. Madly. That’s why it hurt so much.”
I nod. “As I said. Karma.” I pause. “I loved you too, you know.”
She shakes her head. “No. That wasn’t love Bram. You don’t…do things like that to someone you love. I have no doubt you felt what you thought was love, but when you have love, you don’t throw it away. You don’t give up on it. You don’t run, even when it scares you. And if you do, then it wasn’t love.”
I chew on my lip for a moment. “I don’t think it’s that simple.”
“It is that simple. Human beings are complicated. Love is simple.”
“Well,” I say, having a hard time arguing with that. I sip my tea, which is growing cold. “Whatever it was that I felt for you, I thought it was love. And I believed it was for the longest time.”
“Until you met her.”
I meet her eyes but I can’t hide the wince. “Yeah. Until her.”
“So now you know. What you had for me and what you have for her, they aren’t the same.”
I can’t help but notice her use of the present tense.
She gives me a knowing smile. “No use in pretending you’re not still madly in love with her, Bram.”
“Well,” I start, not sure if I should tell her that I didn’t even know I had been in love with Nicola until now.
But she’s right.
Because all along, I was in love with her. It was too simple to know. I was expecting something more drawn-out and complicated than it already was. When really, she had my heart for a while.
Just that realization on its own is enough to knock me off my chair.
And to think, when she told me she loved me, I could have told her in return. I could have said anything at all instead of what I did. I didn’t have to already break her heart before I broke it again.
“Listen,” Taylor says to me. “When I saw you on the news, I didn’t go up there to mess up your life. I didn’t want you to tell me you still loved me, because I know we have both moved on. And you’ve been more than gracious to put the two of us up for this last month. It all couldn’t have been better timing, with me being between jobs and Matthew really needing a father figure right now. All I wanted from you was for him to know you and for you to know him and so far, that’s what he’s gotten. He now knows the man behind the socks.” She smiles to herself and twirls the coffee cup around in her hands. “The last thing I want is to ruin what you had. If you love her still, you need to go after her. You need to tell her and you need to fight for her.”
I swallow misery down my throat. “It’s a bit too late for that.”
She blinks at me surprised. “It’s never too late,” she says adamantly. “What did I just say about love? It’s simple. It doesn’t just go away. If she was in love with you before, and judging by the heartache on that poor girl’s face, she was in deep, then she’s still in love with you now. Believe me, please, I’ve been there. Anger doesn’t erase love. Pain doesn’t erase love. Crying doesn’t erase love. Only time does. Lots and lots and lots of time.” She flicks her finger at me. “And take it from me, time has barely moved on for the both of you. It’s been just over a month. She’s going to love you for a lot longer than that. I hate to admit this, but until three years ago, if you had showed up at my door again with one more attempt to win me over, it would have worked.”
“And our lives would be completely different,” I note, leaning back in my chair. The volume of the song goes up and I recognize Garbage’s “The Trick is to Keep Breathing,” and I think Shirley Manson’s right about a lot of things.
“Different, yes,” Taylor says. “But you know what, I don’t regret a thing.”
I look at her sharply. “What was that?”
“I said I don’t regret it. I don’t believe in regrets anyway. It’s no way to go through life. Whatever happens, happens and it shapes us all to the here and now, where we are supposed to be.”
Nicola’s motto. It’s all too much.
Taylor reaches over and touches my hand. “We were never supposed to be together, Bram. And Matthew wasn’t supposed to know his father until now. Because we’ve been okay, him and I. We’re a team. Because of you, the checks, he’s never wanted for everything. And it’s made me stronger. It’s made me realize what I want. Sure, no one asks to be a single mom but it’s not the end of the world either. It’s just life. You deal with it and keep moving.”
“And love?”
She gives me a coquettish smile. “There is a man you know. Irving. He’s in the military so I don’t see him that often and we’re only really friends anyway. But he’s fond of Matthew and Matthew is fond of him. And I know it’s love. Small love on its way to big love. I just haven’t found the nerve to tell him yet. But I will, the moment he gets back.”
I manage a smile. “That’s great. Good to hear.”
She does a little dance in her seat and the way she blushes reminds me of Nicola. “So you see, there’s hope for me. And there’s a lot of hope for you, Bram.”
I suck in her words like oxygen. Hope has seemed like a very dangerous word lately.
“Well,” she says, pushing back her coffee. “I should get going back to the house.”
I know this is goodbye for now. After Taylor and Matthew arrived on my doorstep, I made sure they were able to stay in the city for as long as they wanted. Then a week ago, they went back down to San Bernardino and I went along for the ride to see where Matthew lives, to be more involved.
I’ve been staying at a local hotel but now it’s time for me to fly back into SF. I’ve got my cousin coming in from Edinburgh tonight, which means I’ll be distracted for the next while, something I sorely need.
“Are you sure you’re okay with taking a cab to the airport?” she asks. “I can drive you.”
I pat the suitcase beside me. “I’m fine, go rescue Matthew from his aunt.” I get out of my chair and though my first instinct is to shake her hand, I end up pulling her into a bear hug. “Thank you for being so forgiving.”
She hugs me back, patting me lightly. “Thank you for being so easy to forgive,” she says. “Once a charmer, always a charmer.” We both pull away and she puts her hands on either side of my face and stares intently at me. “I live with no regrets. You need to too. Go and make sure you don’t have any.”
“I will,” I assure her. As she walks to the door, I yell, “And tell that wee boy that the next time the Dodgers play the Giants, I’ll be calling him up, gloating.”
She rolls her eyes and keeps walking. Naturally, I don’t have much interest in baseball,

Hasil (Bahasa Indonesia) 1:

"Kau tahu, saya tidak berpikir saya pernah mengatakan kepada Anda betapa aku menyesal."Aku mendengar suara Taylor dari seberang meja, tapi aku tidak benar-benar mendengarkan. Ada sebuah lagu yang diputar di kafe ini mal San Bernardino, volume terlalu rendah dan itu adalah mengganggu saya bahwa saya dapat mengenali mengalahkan tapi aku tidak bisa mendengar lirik."Bram," katanya lembut dan akhirnya aku melihat padanya."Hmmm?""Saya minta maaf tentang cara hal-hal yang terjadi dengan Nicola," katanya dan nama itu terasa seperti kepalan tangan dalam hatiku. "Saya seharusnya tidak muncul di depan pintu Anda seperti itu. Saya tidak berpikir bahwa...""Anda tidak berpikir bahwa aku akan memiliki siapa pun yang bermakna dalam hidup saya," saya menyelesaikan sambil lalu. Saya berputar-putar tangan di pergelangan tangan saya dan memberikan mengangkat bahu melankolis. "Saya tidak menyalahkan Anda. Dan tolong, ada tidak perlu bagi Anda untuk akan menyesal. Saya yakin saya punya itu datang. Karma memiliki mata yang tajam, Anda tahu."Dia mengangguk. "Aku tahu. Tapi sudah bertahun-tahun dan... Aku benar-benar tidak punya hak untuk muncul seperti yang saya lakukan."Aku menghela napas. Dia mengatakan hal ini tetapi saya tahu dia berpikir yang dibenarkan dan dia mungkin benar. Bila seseorang telah dirugikan-ketika seseorang memiliki kacau begitu banyak bahwa utang mereka akan pernah berakhir-tidak ada yang bisa mereka lakukan yang pernah tidak beralasan, pernah terlalu banyak.Saya tidak menyalahkan Taylor apapun. Dia sedang menonton berita dan tiba-tiba aku ada, ayah bayi yang dia berusaha sangat keras untuk melupakan. Dia tidak mengatakan ini, tapi aku yakin dia ingin membuang batu di TV nya, mungkin membakarnya. Setidaknya dia menjerit dan mengutuk itu, aku tahu bahwa.Maka naluri keibuan mengambil alih dan dia menumpuk Matthew ke dalam mobil dan mengendara ke San Francisco untuk melihat laki-laki dia mencoba untuk berpura-pura tidak pernah ada.Aku tahu dia hanya datang untuk uang, meskipun dia bilang itu bukan kasus. Dia bilang itu tentang melihat saya melalui mata baru. Saya sangat sukses dan ambisius dan, lebih dari itu, aku baik sekarang. Saya adalah kebalikan dari orang dia membenci. Saya telah membuktikan bahwa saya bisa mendapatkan kehidupan saya di trek dan benar-benar membuat perbedaan dalam kehidupan orang lain, bukan hanya saya sendiri.Dan mungkin itu benar. Tetapi pada saat ini, saya tidak membuat banyak perbedaan. Aku masih memiliki penyewa yang sama dalam gedung saya, yang sama yang tidak mampu untuk tinggal di mana saja lain, orang-orang yang membutuhkan aku. Aku punya semua kecuali dua... yang paling penting.Nicola pindah keesokan harinya, sesuai dengan perkataannya. Aku mencoba untuk menghentikannya. Aku mencoba segalanya. Ia tidak memiliki semua itu. Aku belum pernah melihat dia begitu keras kepala, jadi kejam, dan saya tahu saya pantas mendapatkannya tapi sakit lebih dari apa pun. Dia melindungi Ava lebih daripada ia melindungi dirinya dan ketika aku tertangkap melihat sekilas dari gadis kecil itu menangis di lorong-lorong, baik... Saya kehilangan hari itu.Saya kehilangan banyak hari itu.Dan kehilangan masih dengan saya. Ini adalah bangunan, tidak mengurangi. Setiap pagi, aku bangun tidur kosong dan seperti batu bata hitam lain disemen ke dalam dadaku. Nicola telah benar-benar tidak tahu apa yang ia berarti bagi saya-apa yang ia masih berarti bagi saya- dan apa sakit yang paling adalah bahwa dia tidak akan pernah melihat rasa sakit saya.Aku butuh dia untuk melihatnya, merasakannya, tahu itu.Aku sudah kehilangan keajaiban dalam hidup saya."Kau orang baik, Bram," Taylor mengatakan.Aku membiarkan keluar tertawa kering dan menaikkan alis saya padanya. "Apakah Anda yakin tidak ada percikan minuman keras di kopi Anda?"Dia memberikan senyum yang cepat. "Kau orang yang baik sekarang. Dan mungkin Anda adalah kembali kemudian, deep down. Aku pasti berpikir begitu. Anda tahu aku jatuh cinta dengan Anda, Bram. Tergila-gila. Itulah sebabnya mengapa sakit begitu banyak. "Aku mengangguk. "Seperti yang saya katakan. Karma." Saya berhenti sejenak. "Aku mencintaimu juga, Anda tahu."Ia menggeleng. "No. Yang tidak suka Bram. Anda tidak... melakukan hal-hal seperti bahwa kepada seseorang yang Anda cintai. Saya tidak memiliki keraguan Anda merasakan apa yang Anda pikir adalah cinta, tetapi ketika Anda memiliki cinta, Anda jangan membuangnya. Anda jangan menyerah di atasnya. Anda tidak menjalankan, bahkan ketika itu menakutkan Anda. Dan jika Anda melakukannya, maka tidak cinta."Aku mengunyah di bibir saya untuk sejenak. "Saya tidak berpikir sesederhana itu.""Ini yang sederhana. Manusia rumit. Cinta sederhana.""Yah," kataku, memiliki waktu yang sulit berdebat dengan itu. Saya sruput saya teh, yang tumbuh dingin. "Apa pun yang itu adalah bahwa saya merasa untuk Anda, saya pikir itu adalah cinta. Dan saya percaya itu untuk waktu yang sangat lama."Sampai Anda bertemu dengannya."Saya memenuhi matanya tetapi saya tidak dapat menyembunyikan wince. "ya. Sampai dia.""Jadi sekarang Anda tahu. Apa yang Anda punya untuk saya dan apa yang Anda miliki untuk dia, mereka tidak sama."Aku tidak bisa membantu tetapi melihatnya menggunakan present tense.She gives me a knowing smile. “No use in pretending you’re not still madly in love with her, Bram.”“Well,” I start, not sure if I should tell her that I didn’t even know I had been in love with Nicola until now.But she’s right.Because all along, I was in love with her. It was too simple to know. I was expecting something more drawn-out and complicated than it already was. When really, she had my heart for a while.Just that realization on its own is enough to knock me off my chair.And to think, when she told me she loved me, I could have told her in return. I could have said anything at all instead of what I did. I didn’t have to already break her heart before I broke it again.“Listen,” Taylor says to me. “When I saw you on the news, I didn’t go up there to mess up your life. I didn’t want you to tell me you still loved me, because I know we have both moved on. And you’ve been more than gracious to put the two of us up for this last month. It all couldn’t have been better timing, with me being between jobs and Matthew really needing a father figure right now. All I wanted from you was for him to know you and for you to know him and so far, that’s what he’s gotten. He now knows the man behind the socks.” She smiles to herself and twirls the coffee cup around in her hands. “The last thing I want is to ruin what you had. If you love her still, you need to go after her. You need to tell her and you need to fight for her.”I swallow misery down my throat. “It’s a bit too late for that.”She blinks at me surprised. “It’s never too late,” she says adamantly. “What did I just say about love? It’s simple. It doesn’t just go away. If she was in love with you before, and judging by the heartache on that poor girl’s face, she was in deep, then she’s still in love with you now. Believe me, please, I’ve been there. Anger doesn’t erase love. Pain doesn’t erase love. Crying doesn’t erase love. Only time does. Lots and lots and lots of time.” She flicks her finger at me. “And take it from me, time has barely moved on for the both of you. It’s been just over a month. She’s going to love you for a lot longer than that. I hate to admit this, but until three years ago, if you had showed up at my door again with one more attempt to win me over, it would have worked.”“And our lives would be completely different,” I note, leaning back in my chair. The volume of the song goes up and I recognize Garbage’s “The Trick is to Keep Breathing,” and I think Shirley Manson’s right about a lot of things.“Different, yes,” Taylor says. “But you know what, I don’t regret a thing.”I look at her sharply. “What was that?”“I said I don’t regret it. I don’t believe in regrets anyway. It’s no way to go through life. Whatever happens, happens and it shapes us all to the here and now, where we are supposed to be.”Nicola’s motto. It’s all too much.
Taylor reaches over and touches my hand. “We were never supposed to be together, Bram. And Matthew wasn’t supposed to know his father until now. Because we’ve been okay, him and I. We’re a team. Because of you, the checks, he’s never wanted for everything. And it’s made me stronger. It’s made me realize what I want. Sure, no one asks to be a single mom but it’s not the end of the world either. It’s just life. You deal with it and keep moving.”
“And love?”
She gives me a coquettish smile. “There is a man you know. Irving. He’s in the military so I don’t see him that often and we’re only really friends anyway. But he’s fond of Matthew and Matthew is fond of him. And I know it’s love. Small love on its way to big love. I just haven’t found the nerve to tell him yet. But I will, the moment he gets back.”
I manage a smile. “That’s great. Good to hear.”
She does a little dance in her seat and the way she blushes reminds me of Nicola. “So you see, there’s hope for me. And there’s a lot of hope for you, Bram.”
I suck in her words like oxygen. Hope has seemed like a very dangerous word lately.
“Well,” she says, pushing back her coffee. “I should get going back to the house.”
I know this is goodbye for now. After Taylor and Matthew arrived on my doorstep, I made sure they were able to stay in the city for as long as they wanted. Then a week ago, they went back down to San Bernardino and I went along for the ride to see where Matthew lives, to be more involved.
I’ve been staying at a local hotel but now it’s time for me to fly back into SF. I’ve got my cousin coming in from Edinburgh tonight, which means I’ll be distracted for the next while, something I sorely need.
“Are you sure you’re okay with taking a cab to the airport?” she asks. “I can drive you.”
I pat the suitcase beside me. “I’m fine, go rescue Matthew from his aunt.” I get out of my chair and though my first instinct is to shake her hand, I end up pulling her into a bear hug. “Thank you for being so forgiving.”
She hugs me back, patting me lightly. “Thank you for being so easy to forgive,” she says. “Once a charmer, always a charmer.” We both pull away and she puts her hands on either side of my face and stares intently at me. “I live with no regrets. You need to too. Go and make sure you don’t have any.”
“I will,” I assure her. As she walks to the door, I yell, “And tell that wee boy that the next time the Dodgers play the Giants, I’ll be calling him up, gloating.”
She rolls her eyes and keeps walking. Naturally, I don’t have much interest in baseball,