I LOVED SITTING out on the deck ear

I LOVED SITTING out on the deck early in the morning before the world woke up.
It was quiet, new and fresh with possibilities, and the air clung to my skin, making my steaming cup of coffee taste that much better. Every morning I spent out here, watching the sun rising over the water, felt like a blessing.
Every day felt like a blessing.
I didn’t know if there would ever be a point in my life when that feeling would stop.
Did I really want it to?
Did I want to eventually fade into the rest of existence, unimpressed with life and the ways of the world?
No, I didn’t.
I loved my life and the constant amazement of it all. I would always be that girl who loved taking taxis just for the thrill of it and who never stopped looking at the ocean because it was too beautiful to turn away.
I would always be that woman who had survived.
The sliding door opened behind me, and I smiled, already knowing who it was.
“Look who beat us awake again this morning,” Jude said in that voice he’d adopted ever since the moment he first held her.
His dad voice, I called it. It wasn’t nearly as sexy as the voice he’d use in the bedroom, but it still gave me chills and goose bumps.
I looked up at them, my beautiful family.
Through it all, I would always be theirs.
Jude’s wife and Meara’s mother—nothing could get any better than that.
Having a child in the NICU was something you could never fully prepare for. It was something you could never explain to another who hadn’t experienced it either. Even after coming home from the hospital alone on that first day, we’d Googled and read everything we could, trying to make sure we were up on every piece of equipment she was hooked up to and medication she was on. We’d stayed in touch with doctors around the clock and planned our schedules around hers. Still, nothing could have ever prepared us for the grueling days of waiting for our child to finally come home.
Our family had helped in so many ways. They’d arranged meals, even come and cleaned for us, but nothing could bring Meara home faster. Only time and patience could do that.
We’d ended up seeking out those like us, the ones who were still waiting and those who’d finally made it out. Making friends with parents of preemies was probably the best thing either one of us could have done. It’d opened our world of support and given us people to talk to. They’d completely understood every emotion because they, too, had suffered through them all.
Forty-one days—that was how many days Meara had spent in the NICU. It was forty-one days until we had our celebration day and finally taken her home with us.
It was a day I’d never be able to forget.
I didn’t think I’d slept a single second that night. I’d just lain there, watching her in her bassinet by our bed, amazed and terrified at the same time. I had been so scared she’d somehow stop breathing, and we’d end up back in the hospital.
But she hadn’t, and now, two months later, she was still thriving.
And we were getting ready to say good-bye to our California home.
Our year on the beach had come to an end.
“What are you thinking about?” Jude asked as he and Meara settled in on the chaise next to me.
I turned to kiss each of them, a tiny smooch on Meara’s nose and a lingering long kiss for Jude.
“How much I’m going to miss this view,” I admitted, placing my head on his shoulder.
Meara rested on his chest, and her fingers reached out for a strand of my hair.
“Me, too,” he sighed.
“But I don’t mind New York either,” I said, trying to rally up some encouragement.
“We can introduce Meara to all our favorite restaurants when she gets a bit older,” he offered.
I didn’t respond as my head tried to envision our new life back in our old one. We’d once been happy in the city. We could be again. It would just be a readjustment. Lots of people raised families in big cities. We would, too.
“Hey, I know we still need to pack some things, but I want to take you somewhere this morning. Do you think you could go get ready real quick?” he asked before adding, “I’ll throw in breakfast afterward.”
“Well, only because you’re feeding me,” I said with a grin.
I raced down the hall before taking a quick shower and tossing on a pair of jeans and a blouse. My hair was thrown into a casual bun, and within a few more minutes, I was ready to go. He was already jiggling the keys by the door, and he had Meara in her car seat.
“No chance I can talk you into running by Dunkin’ Donuts beforehand?” I begged, rubbing my grumbling stomach.
“Sorry, no. We have an appointment. And we’re going to be late if we don’t leave now.”
“Well, you could have let me know sooner!” I announced.
We raced down the walkway and into the car. Of course that took time now as well. With a baby, we couldn’t just run out the door like we use to. Diaper bag had to be packed, bottles made . . . it was a lengthy process.
After quickly clicking Meara’s car seat into place, we were ready to go.
“So, any clues as to where we are going?” I asked, looking over to him, as he raced down the road.
“Nope.” He just grinned.
It didn’t take long to reach our destination, and as my eyes wandered around the construction site, I began to get suspicious.
“What are we doing here?” I questioned. I took a step out of the car.
“Just wait a second, and I’ll explain everything.”
I pulled Meara out of her car seat and held her to my chest. She hated being trapped in that thing, and if the car wasn’t moving, she would demand to be freed from it. As I walked around, I noticed the expansive ocean view immediately. It was endless and uninhibited to whatever they were building since it was the only house around.
I turned just in time to see Jude returning side by side with another man wearing a hard hat and vest.
“Lailah, this is Jim Duncan. He’s the lead on this project, our project.”
My eyes flashed back to the building, looking from one end to the other. “Ours?”
His grin widened as he nodded. “Yep. Ours.”
“Is it an investment property?” I said, trying to figure out just what was going on.
There were boxes all over my house that were going to New York at the end of the week. We were moving to New York. That was what he’d said.
“We’re not moving back to New York—ever.”
“We’re not?”
“No.” He laughed.
“I don’t understand.”
He looked over to Jim, and some sort of understanding was struck between the two of them. Jim gave a nod. As Jude took my hand, we walked up the stone path leading to the front door. Landscaping hadn’t been done yet, but mostly everything appeared to be finished. A large Spanish-style door greeted us, and we entered. The entire back wall was completely made of glass, giving a surrounding view of the sandy beach beyond.
The Spanish theme continued inside. Rustic colors of deep orange, yellow, and various shades of tans moved throughout the kitchen and living room. No furniture yet, but it already felt warm and inviting just standing there.
“I couldn’t let us leave,” he finally said, turning toward me, as we stood together in what would be our family room.
“But what about the company? Your job?”
He smiled. “Part two of our stops for the day. We’re opening a West Coast division. Expansion seemed like a good move, and several of the New Yorkers were looking for a change of scenery. When I suggested it to the board, they wholeheartedly agreed. Roman about croaked, but he’ll get over it. He once told me he could be a grown up when he wanted to, so now he’ll just have to make good on that promise—permanently.” He shrugged. “So, here we are.” He opened his arms out wide.
“We don’t have to move?”
He laughed, pulling me close. “Well, we do but not cross-country. And not away from that,” he said, pointing toward the ocean.
I looked around at this amazing house he’d built and then back to him. “It’s breathtaking.”
“And so are you.”


There were still a hundred boxes scattered everywhere, but we were finally here, in our very own house.
Home—it had a nice ring to it.
Over the last year, I’d become quite attached to the house we rented on the beach, but there was always a part of me that knew it wasn’t permanent. It wasn’t ours. It had been a temporary solution, and I’d thought, eventually, we’d move away, back to New York, so I’d never allowed myself to get too attached to it.
But here, within these walls, I could finally find peace.
As I settled into the glider with Meara that night, taking a deep breath as she nuzzled up to my breast, I knew I was home.
Feeding an infant gave me a lot of quiet downtime.
I couldn’t recall a time in my life, except for maybe long silent hours spent in the hospital, when I’d just simply sat and thought. These special moments with Meara had given me much needed time to process everything that had happened over the last year . . . and even beyond that.
I’d thought the moment I’d met Jude, I’d begun maturing, growing from the small naive girl I had been into the woman I was meant to become. By the time I’d followed him to New York, I had truly believed the process was nearly complete. It was a bold move after all.
But really, I’d been blossoming into myself every day since then. Maybe I always would be.
As my hand gently stroked the tiny hairs on Meara’s head, I smiled, remembering how boring I’d thought life was within that drab hospital room.
Little had I known what was waiting for me beyond it.
When my mom and I had driven by people standing on the street corner, holding their coffees and bagels, I’d thought about how glamorous their lives looked, how normal it must feel to be late to work or to cross a street. I had envied them, envied the normal.
When I’d finally gotten the opportunity to do the same, those little things in life did feel glamorous to me because nothing about this life of mine would ever feel normal.
No matter how many lines I crossed off that Someday List, I would never feel like everyone else.

Hasil (Bahasa Indonesia) 1:

Aku mencintai duduk di dek pagi sebelum dunia bangun.Itu adalah tenang, baru dan segar dengan kemungkinan, dan udara menempel pada kulit saya, membuat saya mengepul secangkir kopi rasa yang jauh lebih baik. Setiap pagi saya menghabiskan di sini, menyaksikan matahari terbit di atas air, merasa seperti berkat.Setiap hari merasa seperti berkat.Aku tidak tahu jika akan pernah ada titik dalam hidupku ketika perasaan itu akan berhenti.Apakah aku benar-benar ingin?Apakah saya ingin akhirnya memudar ke dalam sisa eksistensi, tidak terkesan dengan kehidupan dan cara-cara dunia?Tidak, aku tidak.Aku mencintai hidupku dan keheranan konstan dari itu semua. Saya selalu akan gadis yang mencintai mengambil taksi hanya untuk gairah dan yang tidak pernah berhenti memandang laut karena itu terlalu indah untuk berpaling.Aku akan selalu menjadi wanita yang telah selamat.Membuka pintu geser di belakang saya, dan saya tersenyum, sudah mengetahui siapa itu."Tampilan yang mengalahkan kita bangun lagi pagi ini," kata Yudas suara itu dia telah mengadopsi sejak saat ia pertama kali diadakan dia.Suara ayah-nya, aku menyebutnya. Itu bukan hampir seperti seksi suara dia akan menggunakan di kamar tidur, tapi itu masih memberi saya menggigil dan merinding.Aku mendongak mereka, keluarga saya indah.Melalui semua itu, saya selalu akan menjadi milik mereka.Yudas istri dan ibu Meara's — tidak ada yang bisa lebih baik dari itu.Having a child in the NICU was something you could never fully prepare for. It was something you could never explain to another who hadn’t experienced it either. Even after coming home from the hospital alone on that first day, we’d Googled and read everything we could, trying to make sure we were up on every piece of equipment she was hooked up to and medication she was on. We’d stayed in touch with doctors around the clock and planned our schedules around hers. Still, nothing could have ever prepared us for the grueling days of waiting for our child to finally come home.Our family had helped in so many ways. They’d arranged meals, even come and cleaned for us, but nothing could bring Meara home faster. Only time and patience could do that.We’d ended up seeking out those like us, the ones who were still waiting and those who’d finally made it out. Making friends with parents of preemies was probably the best thing either one of us could have done. It’d opened our world of support and given us people to talk to. They’d completely understood every emotion because they, too, had suffered through them all.Forty-one days—that was how many days Meara had spent in the NICU. It was forty-one days until we had our celebration day and finally taken her home with us.It was a day I’d never be able to forget.I didn’t think I’d slept a single second that night. I’d just lain there, watching her in her bassinet by our bed, amazed and terrified at the same time. I had been so scared she’d somehow stop breathing, and we’d end up back in the hospital.But she hadn’t, and now, two months later, she was still thriving.And we were getting ready to say good-bye to our California home.Our year on the beach had come to an end.“What are you thinking about?” Jude asked as he and Meara settled in on the chaise next to me.I turned to kiss each of them, a tiny smooch on Meara’s nose and a lingering long kiss for Jude.“How much I’m going to miss this view,” I admitted, placing my head on his shoulder.Meara rested on his chest, and her fingers reached out for a strand of my hair.“Me, too,” he sighed.“But I don’t mind New York either,” I said, trying to rally up some encouragement.“We can introduce Meara to all our favorite restaurants when she gets a bit older,” he offered.I didn’t respond as my head tried to envision our new life back in our old one. We’d once been happy in the city. We could be again. It would just be a readjustment. Lots of people raised families in big cities. We would, too.“Hey, I know we still need to pack some things, but I want to take you somewhere this morning. Do you think you could go get ready real quick?” he asked before adding, “I’ll throw in breakfast afterward.”“Well, only because you’re feeding me,” I said with a grin.I raced down the hall before taking a quick shower and tossing on a pair of jeans and a blouse. My hair was thrown into a casual bun, and within a few more minutes, I was ready to go. He was already jiggling the keys by the door, and he had Meara in her car seat.“No chance I can talk you into running by Dunkin’ Donuts beforehand?” I begged, rubbing my grumbling stomach.“Sorry, no. We have an appointment. And we’re going to be late if we don’t leave now.”“Well, you could have let me know sooner!” I announced.We raced down the walkway and into the car. Of course that took time now as well. With a baby, we couldn’t just run out the door like we use to. Diaper bag had to be packed, bottles made . . . it was a lengthy process.After quickly clicking Meara’s car seat into place, we were ready to go.“So, any clues as to where we are going?” I asked, looking over to him, as he raced down the road.“Nope.” He just grinned.It didn’t take long to reach our destination, and as my eyes wandered around the construction site, I began to get suspicious.“What are we doing here?” I questioned. I took a step out of the car.“Just wait a second, and I’ll explain everything.”Aku menarik Meara keluar dari kursi mobil dan dipercayai dadaku. Dia membenci terperangkap dalam hal itu, dan jika mobil tidak bergerak, ia akan menuntut harus dibebaskan dari itu. Saat aku berjalan di sekitar, aku melihat pemandangan laut luas segera. Itu tak berujung dan tanpa hambatan untuk apa pun yang mereka membangun karena ini hanya rumah di sekitar.Aku menoleh tepat pada waktunya untuk melihat Yudas kembali berdampingan dengan orang lain yang memakai topi keras dan rompi."Lailah, ini adalah Jim Duncan. Ia adalah memimpin proyek ini, proyek kami."Mataku berkelebat kembali ke gedung, melihat dari salah satu ujung yang lain. "Kita?"Nya menyeringai melebar seperti Dia mengangguk. "Yap. Kita.""Apakah properti investasi?" Aku berkata, mencoba untuk mencari tahu hanya apa yang sedang terjadi.Ada kotak seluruh rumah saya yang akan ke New York pada akhir minggu. Kami bergerak ke New York. Itu adalah apa yang ia katakan."Kami tidak bergerak kembali ke New York-pernah.""Kami tidak?""Tidak." Dia tertawa."Aku tidak mengerti."Dia menoleh ke Jim, dan semacam pemahaman terpana antara mereka berdua. Jim memberikan mengangguk. Sebagai Yudas memegang tanganku, kita berjalan jalan batu yang mengarah ke pintu depan. Lansekap tidak dilakukan namun, tapi kebanyakan semuanya tampaknya akan selesai. Besar bergaya Spanyol pintu menyambut kami, dan kami masuk. Seluruh dinding belakang benar-benar terbuat dari kaca, memberikan pemandangan sekitarnya dari pantai berpasir di luar.The Spanish theme continued inside. Rustic colors of deep orange, yellow, and various shades of tans moved throughout the kitchen and living room. No furniture yet, but it already felt warm and inviting just standing there.
“I couldn’t let us leave,” he finally said, turning toward me, as we stood together in what would be our family room.
“But what about the company? Your job?”
He smiled. “Part two of our stops for the day. We’re opening a West Coast division. Expansion seemed like a good move, and several of the New Yorkers were looking for a change of scenery. When I suggested it to the board, they wholeheartedly agreed. Roman about croaked, but he’ll get over it. He once told me he could be a grown up when he wanted to, so now he’ll just have to make good on that promise—permanently.” He shrugged. “So, here we are.” He opened his arms out wide.
“We don’t have to move?”
He laughed, pulling me close. “Well, we do but not cross-country. And not away from that,” he said, pointing toward the ocean.
I looked around at this amazing house he’d built and then back to him. “It’s breathtaking.”
“And so are you.”


There were still a hundred boxes scattered everywhere, but we were finally here, in our very own house.
Home—it had a nice ring to it.
Over the last year, I’d become quite attached to the house we rented on the beach, but there was always a part of me that knew it wasn’t permanent. It wasn’t ours. It had been a temporary solution, and I’d thought, eventually, we’d move away, back to New York, so I’d never allowed myself to get too attached to it.
But here, within these walls, I could finally find peace.
As I settled into the glider with Meara that night, taking a deep breath as she nuzzled up to my breast, I knew I was home.
Feeding an infant gave me a lot of quiet downtime.
I couldn’t recall a time in my life, except for maybe long silent hours spent in the hospital, when I’d just simply sat and thought. These special moments with Meara had given me much needed time to process everything that had happened over the last year . . . and even beyond that.
I’d thought the moment I’d met Jude, I’d begun maturing, growing from the small naive girl I had been into the woman I was meant to become. By the time I’d followed him to New York, I had truly believed the process was nearly complete. It was a bold move after all.
But really, I’d been blossoming into myself every day since then. Maybe I always would be.
As my hand gently stroked the tiny hairs on Meara’s head, I smiled, remembering how boring I’d thought life was within that drab hospital room.
Little had I known what was waiting for me beyond it.
When my mom and I had driven by people standing on the street corner, holding their coffees and bagels, I’d thought about how glamorous their lives looked, how normal it must feel to be late to work or to cross a street. I had envied them, envied the normal.
When I’d finally gotten the opportunity to do the same, those little things in life did feel glamorous to me because nothing about this life of mine would ever feel normal.
No matter how many lines I crossed off that Someday List, I would never feel like everyone else.