The first time I had gone swimming

The first time I had gone swimming in the ocean was about a year ago. Jude and I, back from our adventures in Ireland, had flown to Santa Monica to visit my mom and Marcus for the weekend.
We’d spent two days with them, enthralling them with stories and pictures of our visit to the Emerald Isle. Of course, I couldn’t say no when they’d begged me to share the epic way in which Jude had proposed to me. It had been a lovely weekend, and it had gotten even more perfect when Jude asked me to take a walk along the beach that Sunday afternoon.
We’d dipped our toes in the ocean, remembering the first time we’d been here together.
Suddenly, he’d said, “Let’s go swimming!”
“Like right now?” I’d asked, not bothering to cover my laughter.
“Yeah. Why the hell not?”
I’d had no answer, so on that seasonably hot afternoon in September, we’d jumped into the waves, fully clothed in the warm ocean. I’d never felt the surge of water hitting my chest, and I’d had no idea how to duck under an oncoming swell of white water.
I remember holding my breath as we’d dived further into the surf and that wonderful gasp of fresh air that had followed as we broke the surface once again.
Since my heart transplant, I’d experience that same feeling each and every time I visited the doctor.
Sitting in this uncomfortable green chair, my foot nervously bobbing up and down, was like sitting at the bottom of the ocean. I felt like I hadn’t taken a single breath of air since I left home.
So far, I hadn’t had a reason to doubt anything, yet that was exactly what I did.
Everything was perfect. I was finally living beyond the walls of the hospital. I was in love, and in less than a month, I’d be married to a man who had made all of this possible.
So, of course, I expected everything to go wrong.
I never shared these fears with anyone, especially Jude. I knew it was most likely ridiculous, but I had spent the majority of my life thinking I wouldn’t make it past my twenty-fifth birthday. It was a hard notion to shake.
These checkups were like my monthly pat on the back. It was the reassurance I needed to get through the next thirty days, knowing my heart was pumping and nothing was going wrong in my perfect slice of heaven. I’d fought with Marcus—well, everyone—about the frequency of the appointments. Marcus, my lifelong doctor and now stepfather had won in the end though. Every month was excessive, but to be honest, it was nice to know I was still healthy, still whole. It was like playing monopoly and getting one of those jail passes every four weeks.
What were they called?
Maybe I should have added Monopoly to my Someday list.
“Lailah Buchanan?” the young blonde nurse called, peeking her head out from a door across the waiting room.
I stood and walked briskly past the other patients to join her.
She ushered me back to an exam room. “How have you been feeling?”
We settled into the small white room after checking my weight. I stepped up to the table and took a seat, hating the way the paper crinkled and crunched with every slight adjustment.
“Good,” I answered.
“Nothing different? No changes we should know about?”
I shook my head as she wrapped a blood pressure cuff around my arm. “Not really. Maybe a bit of additional stress from wedding plans and finals coming up but nothing out of the ordinary.”
Her mouth curved into a slight smile as she tucked the tip of the stethoscope into the crook of my arm. “When is the big day?”
“December sixteenth,” I replied.
“Oh, wow. That’s soon!”
“I know. I can’t wait.”
She finished her routine of preliminary checks, taking vitals and writing them into my chart.
“Well, I wish you the best of luck. The doctor will be in shortly.”
She stepped out, and I was left alone to stare at the walls and pick at my nail polish.
How many minutes and hours of my life had been spent waiting on doctors?
The time lost was something that would most likely make others mad, enraged even. A fraction of my life had probably been wasted away in this exact position, waiting.
Always waiting. In retrospect, it wasn’t all that bad.
I was healthy.
And I was alive.
I’d gladly stare at a thousand more dingy white walls and pick apart a million more manicures while I sat waiting for a specialist to come in and examine me as long as the end result was the same.
“Hey, Lailah!” Dr. Hough greeted happily as he walked through the door before taking a seat.
“Hi. Happy belated Thanksgiving,” I said. “No Black Friday shopping for you today, I’m guessing?”
His smile turned into more of a grimace. “No, thank you. I’d much rather be here with my patients. Although, I think I’m in the minority.”
“Well, I appreciate you coming in, especially on a holiday.” I winked.
Dr. Zachary Hough was one of the best cardiac surgeons in the state. This, paired with the fact that Marcus and Dr. Hough had been roommates in college, had made him an excellent candidate to take over my care once I’d made the decision to move across the country. It had been a tricky decision, especially for someone who had just undergone a heart transplant, but luckily, my medical team at UCLA had been willing to make it work, and everything had transitioned smoothly.
Dr. Hough had worked closely with my doctors back home, and he still spoke with them, providing updates and taking guidance if needed. If something were to go wrong, I had no doubt in my mind that he would be able to handle it.
“So, how’s the new ticker doing?” he asked, scrolling over the latest lab work results I’d gotten done a few days prior.
“Everything is great,” I answered.
“Good.”
Silence fell as he continued to read through everything, and I watched in apprehension as his finger thumbed through the pages, tracing over numbers and summaries.
He looked up at me, and our eyes locked.
The walls began to feel like they were closing in, and my breath constricted in my chest.
“Well, everything looks good, kid.”
Air filled my lungs as I swam to the surface of relief.
Thank God.
“You’re sure?” I asked.
“You ask that every time,” he replied, shaking his head back and forth. “You’re doing great. Just keep taking your meds and stay active but not too active,” he said with a grin. “Stay away from sick people, especially now that flu season is coming. And what is the last thing?”
“Enjoy it,” I answered, knowing exactly what he’d say.
“Exactly. Now, get out of here. You have a wedding to plan, isn’t that right?”
“Yes, sir. I just got your RSVP. I’m so glad you’ll be able to attend.”
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world, kid,” he answered.
I hopped off the table and smoothed out the back of my skirt, only to rise up on the tips of my toes to give the big beast of a man a hug. “Thank you,” I said softly.
“Anytime. Oh, and on your way out, tell the receptionist to schedule you for after the first of the year.”
“What?” I asked in confusion. I always came once a month, like clockwork.
“You’re doing great, Lailah. Go enjoy your honeymoon. We’ll be here when you get back.”
“Okay.”
I made my next appointment for the middle of January and headed off to find Jude and his mother in the midst of their shopping spree.
As I walked down the streets of New York by myself—something I’d never even imagined I would be able to do—I took a deep breath and reminded myself that everything was just fine.
Too much good in your life didn’t mean the rug was about to be pulled from beneath you.
I just needed to take a deep breath and trust-trust myself and this new heart beating inside my chest.

Hasil (Bahasa Indonesia) 1:

Pertama kali aku pergi berenang di laut adalah sekitar setahun yang lalu. Yudas dan saya, kembali dari petualangan kami di Irlandia, terbang ke Santa Monica untuk mengunjungi ibuku dan Marcus untuk akhir pekan.Kami telah menghabiskan dua hari dengan mereka, memikat mereka dengan cerita dan gambar dari kunjungan kami ke Emerald Isle. Tentu saja, saya tidak bisa mengatakan tidak ketika mereka telah memohon saya untuk berbagi jalan epik di mana Yudas telah mengusulkan kepada saya. Sudah akhir pekan yang indah, dan telah mendapat lebih sempurna ketika Jude meminta saya untuk berjalan-jalan sepanjang pantai yang Minggu sore.Kami telah mencelupkan jari-jari kaki kami di Samudera, mengingat pertama kalinya kami telah di sini bersama-sama.Tiba-tiba, ia mengatakan, "Mari kita pergi berenang!""Seperti sekarang?" Saya telah meminta, tidak mengganggu untuk menutupi tawa saya."ya. Mengapa sih tidak?"Aku punya jawaban, seterusnya yang seasonably panas sore di bulan September, kami telah melompat ke dalam gelombang, sepenuhnya berpakaian di lautan hangat. Saya pernah merasakan gelombang air memukul dada saya, dan aku tidak tahu bagaimana untuk bebek di bawah gelombang datangnya air putih.Aku ingat menahan napas seperti yang kita telah menyelam jauh ke surf dan terkesiap yang indah udara segar yang telah diikuti seperti yang kita melanggar permukaan sekali lagi.Sejak transplantasi jantung saya, saya akan mengalami perasaan yang sama setiap kali saya mengunjungi dokter.Duduk di kursi hijau ini nyaman, kaki saya gugup angguk naik dan turun, adalah seperti duduk di bagian bawah laut. Aku merasa seperti aku tidak mengambil satu napas udara sejak aku meninggalkan rumah.Sejauh ini, aku tidak punya alasan untuk meragukan apa-apa, namun itu persis apa yang saya lakukan.Pemesanan terakhir: kemarin Saya akhirnya tinggal luar dinding rumah sakit. Aku cinta, dan dalam waktu kurang dari satu bulan, saya akan menikah dengan seorang pria yang telah membuat semua ini mungkin.Jadi, tentu saja, aku berharap semuanya beres.Saya pernah berbagi ketakutan ini dengan siapa pun, terutama Yudas. Aku tahu itu paling mungkin konyol, tapi aku telah menghabiskan sebagian besar hidup saya berpikir saya tidak akan berhasil melewati ulang tahun kedua puluh lima. Itu suatu gagasan yang sulit untuk mengguncang.Pemeriksaan ini adalah seperti saya bulanan tepukan di punggung. Itu adalah jaminan yang saya perlu untuk mendapatkan melalui tiga puluh hari berikutnya, mengetahui hatiku memompa dan tidak ada yang akan salah di sepotong surga saya sempurna. Saya telah berjuang dengan Marcus-Yah, semua orang — tentang frekuensi janji. Marcus, dokter seumur hidup dan sekarang ayah tiri saya telah memenangkan pada akhirnya walaupun. Setiap bulan adalah berlebihan, tapi jujur, itu bagus untuk tahu aku masih sehat, masih seluruh. Rasanya seperti bermain monopoli dan untuk mendapatkan salah satu lewat penjara setiap empat minggu.Apa yang mereka disebut?Mungkin aku harus menambahkan monopoli ke daftar Someday."Lailah Buchanan?" perawat pirang muda disebut, mengintip kepalanya keluar dari pintu di ruang tunggu.Aku berdiri dan berjalan cepat melewati pasien lain untuk bergabung dengannya.Dia diantar saya kembali ke Ruang ujian. "Bagaimana Apakah Anda pernah merasa?"We settled into the small white room after checking my weight. I stepped up to the table and took a seat, hating the way the paper crinkled and crunched with every slight adjustment.“Good,” I answered.“Nothing different? No changes we should know about?”I shook my head as she wrapped a blood pressure cuff around my arm. “Not really. Maybe a bit of additional stress from wedding plans and finals coming up but nothing out of the ordinary.”Her mouth curved into a slight smile as she tucked the tip of the stethoscope into the crook of my arm. “When is the big day?”“December sixteenth,” I replied.“Oh, wow. That’s soon!”“I know. I can’t wait.”She finished her routine of preliminary checks, taking vitals and writing them into my chart.“Well, I wish you the best of luck. The doctor will be in shortly.”She stepped out, and I was left alone to stare at the walls and pick at my nail polish.How many minutes and hours of my life had been spent waiting on doctors?The time lost was something that would most likely make others mad, enraged even. A fraction of my life had probably been wasted away in this exact position, waiting.Always waiting. In retrospect, it wasn’t all that bad.I was healthy.And I was alive.I’d gladly stare at a thousand more dingy white walls and pick apart a million more manicures while I sat waiting for a specialist to come in and examine me as long as the end result was the same.“Hey, Lailah!” Dr. Hough greeted happily as he walked through the door before taking a seat.“Hi. Happy belated Thanksgiving,” I said. “No Black Friday shopping for you today, I’m guessing?”His smile turned into more of a grimace. “No, thank you. I’d much rather be here with my patients. Although, I think I’m in the minority.”“Well, I appreciate you coming in, especially on a holiday.” I winked.Dr. Zachary Hough was one of the best cardiac surgeons in the state. This, paired with the fact that Marcus and Dr. Hough had been roommates in college, had made him an excellent candidate to take over my care once I’d made the decision to move across the country. It had been a tricky decision, especially for someone who had just undergone a heart transplant, but luckily, my medical team at UCLA had been willing to make it work, and everything had transitioned smoothly.Dr. Hough had worked closely with my doctors back home, and he still spoke with them, providing updates and taking guidance if needed. If something were to go wrong, I had no doubt in my mind that he would be able to handle it.“So, how’s the new ticker doing?” he asked, scrolling over the latest lab work results I’d gotten done a few days prior.“Everything is great,” I answered.“Good.”Silence fell as he continued to read through everything, and I watched in apprehension as his finger thumbed through the pages, tracing over numbers and summaries.He looked up at me, and our eyes locked.The walls began to feel like they were closing in, and my breath constricted in my chest.“Well, everything looks good, kid.”Air filled my lungs as I swam to the surface of relief.Thank God.“You’re sure?” I asked.“You ask that every time,” he replied, shaking his head back and forth. “You’re doing great. Just keep taking your meds and stay active but not too active,” he said with a grin. “Stay away from sick people, especially now that flu season is coming. And what is the last thing?”“Enjoy it,” I answered, knowing exactly what he’d say.“Exactly. Now, get out of here. You have a wedding to plan, isn’t that right?”“Yes, sir. I just got your RSVP. I’m so glad you’ll be able to attend.”“Wouldn’t miss it for the world, kid,” he answered.I hopped off the table and smoothed out the back of my skirt, only to rise up on the tips of my toes to give the big beast of a man a hug. “Thank you,” I said softly.“Anytime. Oh, and on your way out, tell the receptionist to schedule you for after the first of the year.”“What?” I asked in confusion. I always came once a month, like clockwork.“You’re doing great, Lailah. Go enjoy your honeymoon. We’ll be here when you get back.”“Okay.”I made my next appointment for the middle of January and headed off to find Jude and his mother in the midst of their shopping spree.As I walked down the streets of New York by myself—something I’d never even imagined I would be able to do—I took a deep breath and reminded myself that everything was just fine.Too much good in your life didn’t mean the rug was about to be pulled from beneath you.I just needed to take a deep breath and trust-trust myself and this new heart beating inside my chest.